The lights did not light up

Sometimes an essayist must sacrifice himself for the good of society, take a bullet to protect troops, or take a stab to prevent the weak from falling in battle.

It’s over guys. I went ahead and saved you from the ambush of saccharine marshmallows and dripping sensations. This week, I watched three of Netflix’s top five movies, brand-new Christmas TV movies like Hollywood Stars (We Can’t Escape), Widows, and Super Sensational Heroes the night before December 25th. classic), as well as grandmothers involved in the emotional universe of their orphaned grandchildren (of course).

This is Christmas comes just in time (For the Christmas party) with Lindsay Lohan, Noel’s Diary (The Christmas Diary) with Justin Hartley, twin Kevin This is usas well as’A Christmas together (Christmas with you) Freddie Prince Jr., a former darling of teen movies like this one, is back in the spotlight She has everything And Peace treaty.

The perilous mission is punctuated by funky glow-in-the-dark sweaters, perpetually empty Starbucks coffee cups, and terrifying blizzards that lock the characters inside their super-decorated homes for three days.

However, this type of popular production requires a different critical approach to the genre. In this cheesy, extra-autrine world, we no longer talk about a “good movie” or a “great movie,” but rather a “great bad movie.” Subtlety is key.

We’re 100% sure these cheap plutops won’t make it to the Oscars, come on. We spend 90 minutes with our brains in jello, our feet in puffs, and that’s it.

Of the three TV movies mentioned above, Lindsay Lohan’s, Christmas comes just in time, Less damage and better turns out, let’s put it civilly. Its title alone sums up the entire plot. Lindsay Lohan plays the wealthy heiress of a hotel chain (well, fine), spoiled, rotten, selfish and materialistic influencer. Utah native Paris Hilton falls while skiing at the top of a fancy wobbly hill owned by her tycoon father (Christmas actually falls!), and she plummets down a slope and lands in a tree. It couldn’t be more in the way of a charming family hotel with log type and colonial furniture.

But now, our town lord, who dresses like a Christmas ball, has lost his memory since the accident, and no one is looking for him, oops. Going through the movie on autopilot, Lindsay Lohan settles into a friendly lodge owned by a glamorous widow on the brink of bankruptcy.

Photo by Scott Everett White, courtesy of Netflix

Christmas comes just in time (For the Christmas party)

Key: The owner’s super-hot little daughter on the brink of bankruptcy believes her dad is opening his heart to the love he hasn’t had since his wife’s tragic death (insert sad piano), we’re reminded 52 times. Bring out the mistletoe, bells and, ta-tam, it’s the magic of the four, to paraphrase Cricket Rockwell.

A Christmas together (Christmas with you), the second least-missed of the three Netflix TV movies, is an urban saga that begins in a spectacular New York penthouse. pop star Mexican-American. Our Latin singer spins the worst quality cotton. Like, polyester. Her boyfriend, the star of a telenovela, is dumb as a broom. And her record company threatens to drop her if she doesn’t write her next record All I want for Christmas is you in three days. Dios Mio !

In an unlikely reversal, The pop star Bilingual knocks on the door of a 14-year-old fan who lives in suburban New York and whose dad (that’s Freddie Prince Jr.!) teaches music at the local high school. Can you hear the beautiful music these strangers in red and white pajama bottoms make together?

Photo by Jessica Gorkounis, courtesy of Netflix

A Christmas together (Christmas with you), with Aimee Garcia and Freddie Prinze Jr.

A second foundation of good faith is lowering expectations, too. Noel’s Diary (The Christmas Diary) is painful to watch. Here’s Jake Turner (Justin Hartley, playing the same role as always), a famous writer from the big city who chooses celibacy and, yes, yes, all his readers have a crush on him. A few days before Christmas, Jake returns to his hometown of Bridgeport, Connecticut, to evacuate the home of his mother, who has died suddenly. Jake never saw his mother, who became a compulsive hoarder for years. For 35 years, Jake doesn’t speak to his father, who lives alone in Vermont, where else? Jake’s older brother died in 1987 in a tree branch and Christmas decoration accident that won’t move you to tears.

Photo courtesy of KC Bailey, NETFLIX

Noel’s Diary (The Christmas Diary), starring Justin Hartley and Barrett Doss

A young translator now enters the scene, believing his biological mother to be Jake’s nanny in the 1980s. Ah, the reversals! Together, Jake and the young translator will write a new chapter in their respective diaries, not without experiencing the horrors of the century’s worst blizzard.

They are cold, they are hungry, they are almost naked. But Jake and the young translator are God’s children, and they must love each other with the weak love of velvet words!

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