Top 10 Crap-Tastic Films of 2009

Some years we get a plethora of movies that are a perfect convergence of misguided and awful and amazing in their ineptitude. Not every year can bestow on us a Punisher: War Zone. This year, only my top pick got the blend right. These are movies that get some parts of the mix right, movies I know are awful, but I had a fun time watching them anyway, Whether it be my mood and the conditions with which I saw them or I just wanted to turn my brain off, these are the movies that made my Craptastic list.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li It's possible that Chris Klein's performance is entirely intentional. That he meant to an awesome Paul Walker imitation and rock a sweat denim jacket and utter badass catchphrases like "NASH OUT!" But he is but one small piece in this terrible pie. Still, I got my money's worth. It would make a terrific "train wreck double feature" with the Van Damme Street Fighter movie.

GI Joe: the Rise of Cobra It was like watching a kid playing with toys. Whereas the transforming robots movie was like watching a kid with ADD play with toys, G.I. Joe was like watching a kid who watched Return of the Jedi too much play with toys. Bonus points for having ninja flashbacks that were more poignant than the lead characters' flashbacks.

Push "So we're gonna make this movie with Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning, right? And it's about kids and adults with special powers. But it's not at all like X-Men. Or Jumper. Or Heroes. Why? Because this takes place in some bizarre neon-lit not too distant future Asian city that's not quite Blade Runner..." STOP! You had me at special powers. 

Obsessed If you are so inclined, you really should find the clip in Obsessed where they turn a smiley face emoticon into a harbinger of doom. The rest of the movie is notable for an epic catfight between Beyonce and that girl from Heroes who's not very good on that show. 

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past I just enjoyed sitting in the theater and providing a running commentary AS Matthew McConaughey as I watched it. He's so damn charming!

Land of the Lost I don't know who they made this movie for, but I thank them. What seems at first aimed towards kids veers sharply to appeal to  baby boomers who might remember the show, then shifts again to focus on chronic drug users and/or Will Ferrell and Danny McBride fans. I saw it in an almost empty theater, and only heard myself laughing.

Year One It's not nearly as bad as people make it out to be. It's extremely misguided, and you can tell there so many elements of tinkering that nothing about the movie quite works. I like to believe there's a cut of this movie out there that is outright hilarious. But this one provided a few chuckles. Plus, I yelled at someone for texting during the movie. And that made me feel like a man.

Blood: The Last Vampire Until I looked back at all my ticket stubs for the year, I forgot I saw this movie. I remember there being a perverse nonsense factor to the movie that made it watchable for about an hour. But I can not specifically recall an event that occurred on screen. It's really here on title alone.

12 Rounds Oh yeah, John Cena! Let's show the world how un-charismatic you are by putting you through a recycled version of Die Hard with a Vengeance! And let's blow up a helicopter. Why? BECAUSE WE FUCKING CAN!!!!!

Friday The 13th remake Honestly, this is the best Friday the 13th movie there is. It has everything you expect from all of the movies. It has ridiculous kills, terrible teens, and gratuitous nudity. It's slick and polished and as good as one of these movies will ever get. Plus, if you read into the subtext of the picture, you realize Jason is merely a pot farmer who's tired of kids stealing his stuff. He's a man of the people, merely fighting for what's his. With a machete.