Better than the law says
High but unstable self-esteem does not always protect against negative feelings, sometimes it even intensifies them and makes our well-being greatly affected by external situations, such as the opinions of others. A confrontational situation with self-confidence – for example criticism from a boss – will feel like a deep sense of cognitive dissonance, that is, the tension created by noticing the discrepancy between self-perception and the information coming into our cognitive system. The higher our self-esteem, that is, our belief that we are doing a great job, the greater the dissonance.
What can you do to restore your well-being? To think that the boss does not like us or that he is lazy himself. To find social evidence that the manager misjudged our performance, we can also look for an ally, for example a colleague from work. Another option is to go home and spoil the evening for the family.
However, you can also use the manager’s criticisms to rethink the feedback received, consider whether it was really our fault in this situation and translate the knowledge gained into further development of professional and personal competencies. It is not easy, especially since we have been brought up in a society that teaches us from an early age that if we do not consider ourselves winners in advance, then something is wrong with us.
Another narrative we are fed from childhood is that for every manifestation of our activity we should receive some kind of reward or at least avoid punishment. Unfortunately, focusing too much on reward or avoiding punishment not only depletes our energy and attention resources, leaving us with little to work upon, but can also lead to us focusing on a specific, rigorous outcome rather than growth and self-improvement.
As long as the result of our actions is positive, for example we have professional successes, then everything is fine. There are positive emotions, our self-esteem increases, we are happy. When failure occurs, we awaken a sense of failure and self-doubt, and the desire to deny or hide the situation and escape grows. If we fail, we can respond with aggression towards the environment, and then give up and abandon dreams, work, or a partner that we are temporarily not doing well.
This phenomenon was summed up by Carol Dweck, an American psychologist who conducts research in the field of education and professional competences. She believes that by distorting the concept of building self-esteem in children, we have raised a generation of people with relatively high positive self-esteem, who, however, cannot function a day without praise.
Although much is said in the social discourse about the so-called inner criticism and trauma with advice on what to do to get it out of the head and thanks to this inner discussion, most people do not suffer from low self-esteem at all. on the contrary. Research by American psychologists (Taylor and Brown), which was conducted in the late 1980s, showed that most of us consider ourselves a little better than the average person. This phenomenon, called the illusion of positive self-esteem, is a manifestation of a positive tendency. It consists in the fact that a healthy, well-adapted and efficiently functioning person has a slightly greater sense of control over his life and the surrounding reality than is indicated by objective criteria. He also believes that fate, the universe, or Mother Nature is a bit more like him than the average person, so the chance of something bad happening to him is statistically less. At the same time, he sees himself as a little prettier and smarter than the average person. While we avoid saying it outright, this is what most people think of themselves.
Listen instead of choking
Many popular science articles teach us how to deal with the inner critic, but is it really worth it? Maybe we should respect and enjoy it when it comes to the fore from time to time? After all, it is thanks to him that we do not stop in constant improvement and development, but rather achieve other successes and goals.
Usually, our sources of criticism go back to childhood. Narratives that pop into the head mirror or paraphrase texts addressed to us by parents, siblings, peers at school, or teachers. They don’t always need to choke.
The typical act of suppressing an inner voice and artificially inflating self-esteem usually ends up under the rug. The problem does not go away, it only grows invisibly. A hibernating person reveals himself at the moment of defeat or an unpleasant encounter. Then it’s ten times more powerful than it was before, and it can make our lives really miserable.
What do we do so that the inner critic is our friend, and our artificially inflated positive self-esteem does not become our enemy? Instead of focusing on building it, let’s focus on building self-efficacy.
Although it may seem that both terms mean the same thing, it is helpful to know how to distinguish between them. Self-esteem is often based on what is easy or superficial. It is often built with gratuitous praise, praise for nothing. When we like someone or expect social approval, for example from our co-workers, we bend or color reality, matching the currently popular trend of positivity. It would not even occur to us that in this way we would harm the recipient of our messages or ourselves by someone who, for various reasons, wants our approval. Visiting an environment that is less friendly or has no interest in pleasing ourselves will brutally shake our positive self-esteem – it will take off our rose-colored glasses with a forceful and unexpected movement. This may be the moment when our inner critic stages a coup and takes over, plunging us into the abyss of negative moods for a long time, and later even depression. In the professional mode, this experience may end in leaving the job, that is, fleeing from the battlefield.
Self-efficacy refers to the belief that we can handle difficulties and overcome our weaknesses, which is built up regularly and as a result of continuous work. Canadian psychologist Albert Bandura conducted the first research on self-efficacy with people with different types of phobias. The results showed that people who, thanks to the help of a therapist and an appropriate plan of action, begin to approach the source of their fears, not only get rid of them, but also become more confident in themselves.
How much self-efficacy translates into mental and physical strength was shown in a study that measured the level of T cells in people undergoing treatment for a phobia. It turns out that increased boldness in approaching the source of one’s fears, such as a spider or a snake, led not only to greater self-efficacy, but also to a greater activation of the immune system. At the same time, getting rid of a sense of control and powerlessness led to completely opposite effects in people – a decrease in immunity. It is worth remembering, especially in the current pandemic times.
How do you build a lasting sense of self-efficacy – constructive belief in yourself and your abilities?
Through active work, effort and perseverance. In the case of children, the environment that encourages them to confront unpleasant situations and accompany them in their endeavors has a great influence. Escapism – while convenient for the moment – in the long run builds the belief that a little dependence on us leads to negativity and trouble. In the case of adults, belief in efficacy is largely constructive and self-destructive. Especially if we believe in the false advice of pseudo-professionals that the best way to deal with the stresses and hardships of life is the so-called. ignorance.
By inspiring others and drawing on indirect experiences. The truth of the adage: “Who you relate to, that’s what you become” can be easily seen in project teams. People with positive energy, who believe in the effectiveness of themselves and their team, often infect others with this belief and motivate them to action. The opposite effect is also possible – when we surround ourselves with people who don’t want to put the effort into actively shaping their lives, it can clip our wings and lower our self-confidence.
through the authorities. If someone we consider an authority in a particular field convinces us that we can do it, we grow in the belief that we can do it. This is why the leader’s role is especially important in a team. If he is convinced that we have the full range of competencies to perform a particular task, he contributes to strengthening our sense of agency.
By observing and regulating your emotional arousal. It is worth noting that we have a whole range of scientifically proven techniques, thanks to which we can learn better body contact and greater control. Yoga, meditation, regular sports, and working on visualization are just a few of the activities that can help us manage our stage fright in a conscious and disciplined way.
Dr.. Ewa Jarczewska-JRC – Psychologist at SWPS University. He specializes in motivation psychology. It deals with the topic of efficiency and perseverance at work and the effect of mental stimulation on the performance of tasks. It explores the relationship between different forms of thinking, imagination, effectiveness and perseverance in action
Echo Richards embodies a personality that is a delightful contradiction: a humble musicaholic who never brags about her expansive knowledge of both classic and contemporary tunes. Infuriatingly modest, one would never know from a mere conversation how deeply entrenched she is in the world of music. This passion seamlessly translates into her problem-solving skills, with Echo often drawing inspiration from melodies and rhythms. A voracious reader, she dives deep into literature, using stories to influence her own hardcore writing. Her spirited advocacy for alcohol isn’t about mere indulgence, but about celebrating life’s poignant moments.
