November 28, 2022

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"I wish I had cheated on my husband. Not because of my remorse."

“I wish I had cheated on my husband. Not because of my remorse.”

Here is her story:

I am 40 years old and I know these are the last years that I feel like an attractive woman. Last call for anything. I want a change, I want a different life. But there will be no other life. Because I also have a husband and two children. And most importantly – we have a mortgage that binds us more than any wedding vows. A few years ago, when we were at a high tide, we dreamed of a house outside the city. She is beautiful in a dream. Our ball and chain that keeps you up at night. The same installment is now 3.5 thousand. PLN per month. More than half of my salary. And then there will be gas bills that I’m afraid of. So life can not be planned. Because you must have money for another life.

I recently heard a beautiful script – you can always change something, and it is never too late to change. really? Sometimes I stand in front of a mirror at home. I still have a good personality. But I can already see wrinkles on my face, and I can’t get rid of them with Botox.

We didn’t have much in common with my husband a few years ago. In addition to the mortgage of course. His main concern is what he will eat for dinner when there is a Champions League match on TV. No, he’s not a bad guy, he’s not toxic, he’s not malicious. But he’s also not inventive, and he didn’t have any suggestions for me. He will not offer to go to the cinema, and he does not like to go for walks. We hardly talk to each other because we really don’t feel like it anymore. And it was different once, it wasn’t this guy I fell in love with. It was full of life and all kinds of interesting ideas.

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We rarely meet our friends. We don’t have any money for bars. Inviting guests to the house is also a big expense today. So we spend our time at home. The kids grow up, they no longer need us so much, they start having their own lives and their company.

This is our daily life. We both have a good business we can still afford, which doesn’t mean we don’t start counting expenses anymore. Not only counting, but also limiting. I’m slowly getting used to less frequent visits to the hairdresser, to the fact that I clean my nails at home. Hybrid has become a luxury for me, I only allow myself to do it when we are on vacation. Because we can still put off one vacation a year.

I have some longing and desire to take something else out of this life. I would like someone to hug me, and I understand without a word. I went for a long walk in the fall, and slept in the meadow under the stars. I even met such a man. Smart, funny, turns out to be a big lover. Our romantic relationship lasted almost half a year. He lives alone and is divorced. He would also like to have with him someone who understands him without words, loves starry nights and can speak when needed, or be silent when words are not necessary.

For half a year I felt that I was at last alive, that I could have what I had been waiting for. But how long can you have a relationship? He said I had to make a decision because he didn’t want me for the stolen watches. Because he would like to spend his life with me.

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and me? Do I have the right to be with him? To feel real close? After all, I have a husband, two children, and a dream home to pay. What do I do with my children if I get divorced? How am I going to explain it all to them? What do you do with the house and what do you do with the loan?

We broke up a few months ago. But I think about it every day. I wish I cheated on my husband. No, not because of remorse. Because of the dreams that were almost within reach. But they were killed by the gray reality…