Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles & Santa Clause 3 : Please God NO!

Posted by: Dan Strohschein

Recently I was perusing the site when I came across something that made me stand back and go... What the hell are they thinking? That's right, you guessed it, a shiny new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. No, this isn't a joke - had it been you would be laughing harder right about now. This is real and true - someone has decided to try to resurrect the dead fandom of TMNT. Apparently no one told them that the first movie was horrible, and decidedly killed the whole series for kids everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the TMNT when I was a kid. They were cool, and hip, and could kick some human ass while munching on a slice of pepperoni pizza. But times change and apparently the filmmakers, who can't seem to come up with anything new, didn't realize that the only fans that TMNT had fifteen years ago were kidsâ€¦ and are now grown upâ€¦ and would more likely kill themselves than be caught in a theater for those chubby little green monsters. I know they have tried to resurrect the cartoon and the toy line, but you know, I just don't see it. Not like it was fifteen years ago, when you couldn't throw a rock without hitting some nerdy kid in a green outfit swinging a broom handle around (Can we say future psychopath?). So why have they bothered? Even if it is animated with 'super CGI effects!' it won't really make much of a difference.

And then there is The Santa Clause 3. Ok, the first one was good, nice and cute, funny, and perfect for Christmas. The second one had its ups, and then serious downs, showing a Hitler-like dictator taking over Christmas town and subjecting the elves to gas chambers while the real Santa tried to get into the panties of an innocent school teacher. Oh yeah, the Hitler Santa was a bit scary â€“ skin heads everywhere rejoiced, they finally had a movie that doesnâ€™t involve gang rape.

Now we have a another Christmas nightmare, and I think Tim The-Tool-Man Taylor has been type cast. To this one role. Seriously, have you seen him in anything else lately? Is it true that he laid down his tool screw-ups to wear the red Santa suit and gain 250 lbs of heart stopping cookie cholesterol forever? We need something to cheer for at Christmas, and I don't think this will cut it, but they keep on making them anyway. I'll have to start protesting at the theater (right next to the other good fanatical cult members) when they produce The Santa Clause: The Heart Attack Clause. Cuz really, nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a blue lipped, pale, fat dead guy under my tree.

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