A Brief History of Video Game Movies

• "Super Mario Bros" : Brooklyn plumbers Mario and Luigi find themselves trapped in an alternate dimension where dinosaurs have evolved to look like humans. Together they attempt to defeat the evil tyrant Koopa and save Princess Daisy. When I was a kid I loved it. Watching it as an adult, it makes me wonder how this film got so off-target from it's video-game counterpart. It's as if the execs went into a room and plotted "so this is what the game is ABOUT. So let's throw that plot out the window and make something completely DIFFERENT". Well despite being considered one of the worst films in history, I still find it entertaining enough for a Saturday night.

• "Double Dragon" : Two brothers gain possession of half of an amulet, that when joined with the other half can give ultimate power to he who holds it. Robert Patrick must have really been struggling for work to go from the being the T-1000 to the villain in this rancid piece of cinema. So how do I like "Super Mario Bros" and just hate "Double Dragon"? I'm not sure. Both were oddball revisionings of the generic video-game plots, but "Double Dragon" just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was that kid from Saved by the Bell that ruined it for me.
• "Street Fighter" : Col. Guile leads a group of martial art heroes to save the world from the tyranny of General Bison. Raul Julia's last film. Not the greatest note to leave on. I miss him, but not for this film. I expect this kind of plotless action from Jean-Claude Van Damme, but not from the guy who actually managed to make a big-screen version of the "Adams Family" work. The problem with this film is they tried to fit in every single character from the game, even resorting to calling a TV camera-man E. Honda, and making him a sumo-wrestler. And of course there is the terrible dialogue and poorly planned fight sequences. Just skip this one.

• "Mortal Kombat" : The evil rulers of Outworld need to win a final Shaolin Tournament against the warriors of Earth. With their victory, they can invade our dimension and take over. Lui Kang, Sonja Blade, and Johnny Cage are the only fighters capable of giving Earth any kind of chance. Okay it's not perfect...but it was entertaining. It's also one of the first game-movies to actually keep the plot relatively close to the source material. See? It actually works, Hollywood.

• "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" : Having lost the tournament and their hold on our dimension, the rulers of Outworld use a loop-hole in the rules to try and take over anyway. They couldn't even get Christopher Lambert to come back for this one. The plot was ridiculous and this one tried even less to find valid ways to involve all the characters than "Street Fighter" did. Just another craptacular sequel.

• "Wing Commander" : In the 27th century Earth is at war with the feline-like Kilrathi Empire. When the Kilrathis manage to steal the coordinates to Earth, a brave fighter pilot and his squad must find a way to stall the Kilrathi fleet long enough for reinforcements to arrive. I guess Freddy Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lilliard needed a break from their romantic comedies team-ups so they worked together on this Sci-Fi flick. A near-miss in my opinion. It lacked the budget and dialogue to really make it memorable. I almost completely forgot about this one when I was making this list. But granted it could have been worse.
• "Pokemon: The First Movie" You know what? I'm not even touching this one.

• "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" : A sexy brittish archeologist/adventurer races against an evil cult to recover an ancient artifact. Ah yes. Angelina Jolie. Certainly one of the best choices for the "bouncy" Lara Croft. But you know why I really liked this movie? Chris Barrie as Lara's Butler. He's been a favorite of mine since "Red Dwarf".
• "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" Alien phantoms have overtaken the earth, and only a female scientist and her team can find a way to save the planet and the human race. When everyone heard there was going to be a Final Fantasy movie, I think they were hoping for something along the lines of Final Fantasy 7. In fact, I was rather curious how this film could even be called "Final Fantasy" and not have an ounce of actual fantasy in it. On it's own it's a good stand alone movie, but I think that the title raised the bar too high for it to reach.

• "Resident Evil" : Alice awakes to find herself in a mansion with no memory whatsoever. Suddenly the mansion is raided by mercenary style troops who drag her down below into a secret research facility. There they discover that a virus has escaped that turns all exposed to it into flesh craving zombies. Maybe there isn't such a thing as a perfect video game adaption. But regardless this one is damn close. While not based on a specific entry in the Resident Evil Playstation series, this movie takes place before any of them occur. The plot was also well crafted, as it not only included the obvious zombies as antagonists, but it also introduced The Red Queen: A sadistic computer with it's own agenda. Suspense, horror, sly humor, and a great twist. To this day, this is the only video game adaption that has gotten it right.

• "House of the Dead" : Late partygoers to an island get-away find that everyone has vanished. That is until they return as zombies. I call him Uwe Boll; Destroyer of video game movies. This director hasn't made a decent video game adaption yet, and for some reason they still give him more titles. This film was made on a low-budget, involved a lame plot, and even used actual video game footage cut in with the live action sequences. Total...crap.
• "Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life" : The sexy Lara Croft is now on a quest to recover Pandora's Box and keep it from being opened. With Chris Barrie given even less time to shine in this movie, than in the first, I was heavily dissapointed by the end of the film. But even the action and "drama" they tried to fit into the film falled flat on it's back. There is nothing emotionally involving in the film, yet near the end it's as if it's trying to get us to shed a tear or something. It's a sequel that didn't need to be made.

• "Resident Evil Apocalypse" : Alice awakens again to find herself still alive from the terrors of the mansion research facility. But her trails are far from over. She discovers herself within the limits of Racoon City, which has become overrun with zombiefied locals. And to add to her troubles, a massive monster by the name of Nemesis has been programed to track her down and kill her. After the great film that was "Resident Evil" I honestly looked forward to this one. But in the end I realized that good movies need sequels just as much as the bad ones. I was bored, and did my best to keep up with the hole-filled plot. The classic over-used scare tactics were back, and there was no Red Queen to shake things up for the heroes. Nemesis (my favorite video game villain of all time) was added but even he felt as if his full potential was not being used onscreen. And in the end, the plot ran out of juice and they only thing they could do was revisit "Mortal Kombat" style roots and pit the hero and the villain versus eachother in a gladitorial show-down just to see who was the better killing machine. I think that watching this film almost ruined the first "Resident Evil" for me.
• "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children" : Two years after saving the world from Sephiroth, Cloud and Co once again band together as a new, yet familiar, evil begins to appear. Now THIS is a Final Fantasy movie. And it's what I'm sure most people where hoping for when they went to see "The Spirits Within". Despite the fact that if you haven't actually played the game you will most certainly be lost, the movie flows very well and has some of the craziest action sequences I've ever seen. The film is completely CG and features all the characters from the game, plus it builds on several relationships between the characters that us die-hard fans have been hoping to see develop.

• "Alone in the Dark" : A paranormal investigator begins to piece together remnants of his past that he can't remember vividly. Soon he finds himself being hunted by strange creatures that seem to exist in shadow. Another of Uwe Boll's handiwork. I fell for this one though, because I thought I saw potential in it. I didn't know that the man behind this was the man behind "House of the Dead" until after I saw the film. I just knew Christian Slater was in it and I wanted to see it for him. I got only one good memory from this movie. A song from the credits got me hooked on the band "Nightwish". Other than that it's a waste of anyone's money.
• "Doom" : Mercenaries are called in to do a mop-up on a research facility on Mars. Lucky for them they have a direct portal from Earth to Mars for them to use. But the Mercs find themselves in a mess of trouble when they discover that the facility has been experimenting on Human DNA and has caused a few...mishaps. So the original game was about a portal to Hell opening up and demons spilling out. Yet in this movie there is no hell and there are no demons. Confused? Me too. Yet for some reason they tried to make other kinds of parallels between the movie in the game, such as the discovery of the "floating" BFG gun. At the end of the movie there is even a 10-minute first person point of view scene (the game is all in first person POV) where the hero runs around shooting anything that jumps out and makes scary noises. That was cute for the first minute, but then I just started getting angry.
• "Blood Rayne" : A half-vampire sets out to destroy her father. Truth time: I didn't see this one. But I felt I had enough reason; It's another Uwe Boll film. I'll just leave it to your imaginations how bad it could be. Otherwise I won't make an opinion.

• "Silent Hill"(Not yet Released) : A mother searches for her daughter who has dissapeared within an erie town that has been trapped within a dark dimension. I'm praying for good things. This one comes out this month and I will be seeing it as soon as possible. It looks scary and well made. It's as if the video game was more than just a blueprint to the writers and director. If my opinion changes after watching it, I'll let you know.
• "DOA: Dead Or Alive" (Not yet released) : The movie adaptation of the best selling video game series Dead or Alive. That summary is word for word from IMDB.com. That's clue number one that this film could suck quite a bit. I've seen the trailer, and my fears are just growing. Despite the fact that the DOA series is a good fighting game, there was no need for a movie. The only pull this movie has is the hott women it's cast in the lead roles. Critics are going to have a field day with this one.