Golden Globes Winners List Here

This year the Golden Globes were hotter than ever. Well, maybe that's an overstatement, but they were funny at times and not as annoying as other awards shows. Also, some people say that the Golden Globes are a good representation of how the Academy Awards will play out. I don't know why they say that, because a different group of 75-100 (depending on who is counting) voting members of the Hollywood Foreign Press vote for Golden Globes while almost 6,000 industry professionals determine who gets an Oscar.

Anyway, since I wasn't invited to Hollywood to rub elbows with the industry's biggest celebs, I attended the next best event: My own private viewing of the show right here in my fabulously small New York apartment. And since everyone is thanking people this evening, let me just take the time to thank the guy who gives me my cigarettes and coffee each morning. I wish I knew his name, but I tend to avoid such intrusions of privacy. What does this have to do with the Golbes, nothing... so back to it. Below you will find the list of winners in tonight's ceremony, only, beforehand you may entertain yourselves with my own special awards given for standout performances at tonight's show.

And here are the winners:

Most Full of Themself Award (Male) - Jamie Foxx, for being Jamie Foxx again at an award show. A hard award to win, but the incessant plugging of his #1 album and posing for the camera like he was gold guaranteed Jamie the title. Atleast he wasn't sobbing like a toddler sucking on a tart teat like at last years Academy Awards.

Most Madonna-like English-flopping (Female) - Gwyneth Paltrow, for calling Sir Anthony Hopkins "Antiny" about a dozen times while presenting him with the Cecil B. DeMille award. My question is, Gwyneth: Who made you say Hopkins' depiction of Hannibal is the best screen villain in movie history?

Biggest Tale Told to Quell Rumors About His Sexuality (Male) - Jonathan Rhys Meyers, thanking his girlfriend above all else, for without whom nothing would be possible. HA!

Biggest Lie Told to Hit a Punch Line (Female) - Geena Davis, for pretending a little girl became inspired to become president some day after seeing Davis on "Commander in Chief". Kinda funny, though, and always nice to see Geena doing well.

Worst Attempt at Faking an Unprepared Speech (Male) - Hugh Laurie, for stumbling perfectly through thanking writers for their ability to make him talk good, and then saying how if he had prepared a speech he wouldn't have just spoken so badly. Seriously, being "charmingly befuddled" as Stewie Griffin would say only works with another British Hugh. Don't be such a prat.

Most Disgusted Look & Best Dodge of the Gratuitous Kiss (Female) - Mary Louise Parker, after Chris Rock hollered through the category, insulted her shows ratings, and ranted about her characters drug dealing ways before saying her name, she pulled the trophy away and gave a little chuckle before beginning her speech.

Most Obvious Contempt (Female) - Laura Linney, mouthing "he mispronounced my name" after Jamie Foxx called her Laura Lin-Lee.

Most Indigestion (Male) - Clint Eastwood, upon announcing Brokeback Mountain the winner. Don't worry Clint, we don't suspect a thing.

The Too-Much Information Award (Female) - S. Epatha Merkerson, for having a hot flash during her speech and mentioning it twice.

Best Jab at the Censors (Male) - George Clooney, thanking someone whose name starts with Jack and ends with -off, and then talking about how funny it is to have a name that starts with Jack and ends with -off.

The Are You Gay? Award (Female) - Sandra Oh, for thanking "Her Rock" Margo at the end of her speech while on the brink of tears. Charming and brave, but a little misleading. Should have just said "My Baby Mama" or something a little more obvious for the rest of us.

Ok I know that was a lot of fun, but all fun must come to an end. Here's the list you came for, and so you shall have it!

GOLDEN GLOBE WINNERS

• Best Supporting Actor (Motion Picture) - George Clooney (SYRIANA)
• Best Supporting Actress (Motion Picture)- Rachel Weisz (THE CONSTANT GARDENER)
• Best Supporting Actor (TV Movie/Miniseries) - Paul Newman (Empire Falls)
• Best Supporting Actress (TV Movie/Miniseries) - Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy)
• Best Actress in TV Drama - Geena Davis (Commander in Chief)
• Best Actor in TV Drama - Hugh Laurie (House)
• Best Miniseries of Motion Picture made for TV - Empire Falls
• Best Actor in a TV Comedy - Steve Carell (The Office)
• Best Actress (Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical) - Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line)
• Best Actress TV Comedy - Mary Louise Parker (Weeds)
• Best Actor TV Miniseries or TV Movie - Jonathon Rhys Meyers (Elvis)
• Best Actress TV Miniseries or TV Movie - S. Epatha Merkerson (Lackawanna Blues)
• Best Writing - Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana (Brokeback Mountain)
• Best TV Comedy - Desperate Housewives
• Best TV Drama - Lost
• Best Foreign Language Film - Paradise Now (Palestine)
• Best Original Score - John Williams (Memoirs of a Geisha)
• Best Original Song - A Love That Will Never Grow Old (Brokeback Mountain)
• Best Director - Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain)
• Best Actor Musical or Comedy - Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line)
• Best Musical or Comedy - Walk the Line
• Best Actress Drama - Felicity Huffman (Transamerica)
• Best Actor Drama - Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote)