Fear Festival LA : Its Scary!

This weekend, a lot of my fellow writers and editors from this wonderful site (moviesonline, not the blog, for all you reading on DudeSpeak) have been attending the Festival of Fear in Toronto. I did not get to attend this festival, so i don't get to meet the people I've been writing for and with these past three months. They get to meet a lot of horror icons, learn of new films, see some good flicks (I'm jealous that they get to see the movie Crispin Glover directed, that preview weirds me out) and get drunk with each other every night. And i don't.

Plus, there are the fine ladies of Toronto to contend with. I remember a certain young serving wench at the Medieval Times who gave me her number out of the blue. Natalia. Sigh.....

So, while all my colleagues are living it up in Toronto (where if I'm broke, I still manage to have $3.50 Canadian) I decided to play that wonderful childhood game of jealousy, and create my own Festival of Fear RIGHT HERE IN L.A.!!! You hear that suckers? I'm gonna have an even BETTER time than all of you up there.That's right, and Mine is gonna rule hardcore, all the people up there in canada at that Festival are gonna be all "Whoa, we shoulda gone to the Dude's fear fest in LA, that sounds so much cooler, and he's so attractive and he smells pleasant."

Here's the rundown of events:

• 11:00 AM : Brunch - Let's face it, it's my festival of fear, and nothing is more frightening than brunch. is it breakfast? Is it lunch? what do you order? Ooooh..... spooky!
• 1:00 PM: Paying my bills- Whoa! Live the terror and anxiety as we go through all the bills I have to pay. This event will be immediately followed by the spine tingling balancing of the checkbook.
• 2:00 PM: Cleaning my bathroom- In response to last year's ever popular cleaning my kitchen (Oh, remember the fright of that oven) we've taken it a step further. Yes, the absolute mess of my bathroom shall be cleaned. Special tours of the shower shall be given for a before and after comparison.
• 3:00 PM: Freeway Drive- Live the terror of driving on the LA freeways, where you don't know what will happen. will there be another freeway shooting? Blazing fires? SMOG!?!?! Oh, and the air conditioning isn't working in my mini van, and it's reaching temperatures in the 100s.
• 5:00 PM: Compton Drive- After maneuvering the horrors of the freeway, the ultimate ride of terror shall begin. With all the windows rolled down, Blade Maxim, the hippest mini van you'll ever experience, shall stroll through the streets of Compton, blasting Garth Brooks as loud as it will be played.
• 5:02 PM: Escape From Compton- Not gonna lie to you, one of you will be sacrificed.
• 6:00 PM: Burbank Town Center- Yes indeed another terrifying trip through a hellish experience. The mall on a Saturday afternoon. brave through legions of annoying teens at the dreaded FOOD COURT! Marvel at the horror of HOT TOPIC! Manage your way through the geeks at E. B. GAMES! Try to score a free test screening of movies from the SCREENING EXCHANGE DRONES! Watch out for families of twelve picking up SCHOOL SUPPLIES! And while you're there, pick me up an Orange Julius. Those things rock.
• 8:00 PM: SCREENING: Yes, prepare to watch the horror movie of our times. House of the Dead. Watch with wonder and terror as you view the finest cinematic horror depiction ever committed to celluloid. Wonder with awe at how Uwe Boll manages to get money for films, and become amazed at how this film actually got a theatrical release. To be followed with a screening featuring the director's commentary. You will soil yourself with FEAR!!!!
• 11:00 PM: Nic Fit- Travel through the streets of North Hollywood to the 7-11 to pick up cigarettes. Sites along the way include crazy guy collecting cans and talking to himself, and the ever popular North Hollywood Diner Transvestite Experience.
• 12:00AM: MIDNIGHT SCREENING- To keep the theme of utter terror going, we shall make it an Uwe Boll night, and screen Alone in the Dark. Again, followed by Director's commentary screening. Screenings shall immediately be followed by dissertation of Uwe Boll, from Dr. Dude, professor of Bad Cinema.
• SUNDAY; Day of recovery, if you can manage to sleep after all the pulse pounding terror that awaits you.
• (12:30 PM: Box Office Report- Watch the dude's creative process as he writes his article of the weekend Box Office).

There you have it. A weekend of unspeakable horror and damnation. To paraphrase "Crazy People," this weekend won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life. Take that Canada!