Orphans Undead Movie Review

Check this out, I went ahead and did the math…Turns out that Peter and Michael Sperig, the brothers behind this “movie�, owe me $27.50 US and about an hour and forty-five minutes of my life back. When I first heard about “Undead�, I was really excited to see it.

A few friends of mine who had seen the flick told me that it was the first true worthy successor to Peter Jackson’s “Dead Alive�, that it was the best horror-comedy to come down the pipeline in a long time, that it was genius. What a crock of shit. This movie could not have been less original or less entertaining than if they had made a shot-for-shot remake of “Dead Alive�. I’ve been to funerals and had a better time. I swear to God, FUNERALS!!

The plot is a jumbled mess, the characters are all unbelievable, annoying, and, in all honesty, I thought half of them had Downs Syndrome, but most of all it takes about thirty minutes for anything to happen and when it does it’s over in five minutes and meant nothing to the rest of the plot. The film starts off in a muddled way as we are introduced to a number of the main characters including Renee, the local “fish queen� who has lost the family farm and will do anything to get out of the small fishing village of Berkley. It just so happens that she wants to leave on the same day that a meteor shower hits and turns everyone into zombies. And when the meteors hit, and this is where the movie actually impressed me, they slam into people and cause all kinds of havoc.

At this point I thought that I was in for a treat; the gore was incredible, the special effects amazing but that’s where it all went wrong. Renee and her agent are headed out of town when they first run afoul of the zombie menace and what follows are some of the most innovative gore sequences this side of a Miike film (for instance, Renee splits a zombie in half with the auto theft prevention device The Club). But once that sequence ends, however, the movie spirals back down into tedium. Renne escapes to a local farm house owned by a local gun-nut named Marion. They hide out in his place for a minute until some other survivors show up and hide out with them. And this is where I lost all patience for this movie.

One of the characters, a local constable, has to be the most annoyingly written and annoyingly acted characters in recent film history. Period. Constable Harrison, played by Dirk Hunter, is so goddamned annoying that I wanted to climb into the tv and kick the living shit out him. All he does until he finally, mercifully dies, is scream and bitch and moan about everyone and everything in their situation that you will find yourself yelling to the tv, trying to tell the zombies that he’s hiding in the basement. Well, fall out shelter to be more precise as the survivors hide out down there and proceed to yell at each other for the next twenty minutes for absolutely no reason whatsoever. What follows is a jumbled mess of people yelling, acid rain, aliens, and gore for gore’s sake. The movie tells no story at all and I really believe that it was constructed around the gore scenes that the Sperigs wanted in the flick.

Now, before you people get sand in your asses and start to bitch, let me say that there are some things about the movie that I liked, First the gore and special effects were badass. They were better than some that I’ve seen in movies with multi-million dollar budgets. Well, actually, no that I think about it, that’s the only things that I liked about this movie. The rest sucked balls. Now, maybe I was expecting too much going in. Maybe I had listened to too much of the hype. But I don’t think so. I think that this movie sucked so hard it my tv stupid and now there is a visible cone of stupidity emanating from my entertainment center.

So to those of you out there thinking of seeing this flick, don’t bother. If you’re in the mood for a zombie-gore comedy check out “Dead Alive� or “Re-Animator�. Those will at least give you your money’s worth.