Eternal Horror Movie Review

Posted by: The Dude

Hot lesbian action! That's what I was promised by the trailer to Eternal. I figured it would be wall to wall hot sex of the female same sex variety. And blood. Lots of blood. I'll tell you this, the movie makes good on the promise of blood. it's also hyper sexualized, but nothing of the Bound variety. This movie could best described as Basic Instinct, with a vampire-lite plot.

The movie Eternal begins with a naive young, and pretty cute looking girl, arriving at a large mansion. Actually, the movie begins with something I couldn't even begin to explain, but since it has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, it doesn't matter. Anyway, cute girl shows up for a sexual encounter with the hot blonde girl. I think her name is Elizabeth Kane. Anyway, she seduces pretty young thing, only to drink her blood after jabbing her in the neck with an ornate silver finger. Thankfully, the filmmakers showed restraint and don't show anything more disgusting with that devil finger.

Sadly, they show a little too much restraint. But that's just in my desire to see beautiful women make sweet sweet love to each other. There's no restraint when it comes to our hero, a cop named Pope, who I kept squinting and thinking was Billy Zane. So much so that I most likely will refer to him as Billy Zane. He's one of these guys who likes his sex dangerous. When we're first introduced to him, he's handcuffed, with a belt around his neck, and his lover is holding a gun to his head. I thought that was a pretty good introduction to him, actually.

Anyway, Billy Zane, it turns out, is married to the PYT in the beginning. The girl he's having erotic asphyxiation with in the beginning is most definitely NOT his wife. It's actually his best friend's wife. Not exactly a very sympathetic character we're supposed to identify with, but whatever. Anyway, he's the cop assigned to the case of his wife's disappearance, regardless of the conflict of interest involved. But since the movie takes place in Montreal, maybe I'm not aware of their police procedure.

His investigation takes him to Kane, who looks like Natasha Henstrige from Species. But she's not Natasha, and she doesn't get naked like Natasha did in Species. I digress again. Anyway, Zane keeps returning to her to find out what happened to his wife, and keeps threatening to have a search warrant and tear up the large estate Natasha lives in. It's not a very good threat, and he threatens it to a lot of people.

Anyway, some more things happen, some more rough sex between Zane and his buddy's wife, and a few more "vampiric killings". Eventually, Natasha Henstrige looking girl sets up Billy Zane looking guy for murder. Murders of the best friend's wife, and of his babysitter. (right, forgot to mention Billy Zane guy has a kid. But since the movie forgets about him as well, I figured it was alright).

Zane knows he's been set up by hot vampiric lesbian girl, and goes after her when she flees Montreal for Venice, Italy. See, in Venice, it's revealed that Kane is actually a 15th century countess, who would rejuvenate with the blood of young passionate women, thus keeping her "Eternal" (title). Or something. I'm not too sure. Anyway, wanted for murder, and abandoning his son completely without even the babysitter (because she's dead) Billy Zane looking guy travels to Venice somehow and finds the countess sacrificing women at a party that really really wanted to be Eyes Wide Shut.

The movie was pretty damn slow and boring. And every question raised, seemed to not be answered, as if waiting for a sequel. There's a title before the movie proclaiming that it is based on true events, and for that I assume its referring to the story about the countess who killed 650 virgins and drank their blood. The movie doesn't even really dwell on this too much. In fact, you're really left to assume that Kane IS her. It's only alluded to. They leave a small possibility of a sequel, and it makes absolutely no sense at all. I would like to maybe see a sequel to this flick, just to figure out what the hell was going on. But then I turned on the news, and figured I'd rather find out the ending of the story of the alligator that's in the lake that won't get out. Seriously, there's a gator in a lake out here in Cali that no one can explain, and it's in a lake, and it won't come out. And it's outfoxing the wildlife authorities who are trying to trap it. It's amazing! And it was much more entertaining than Eternal.

The movie feels like a straight to Cinemax Basic Instinct rip-off featuring Billy Zane and Natasha Henstrige. It doesn't help that the leads look like them. But there really isn't a likable character in the whole thing, the plot doesn't really make a lot of sense, there's nothing all that fantastic about the special effects, and it entices you with sex that isn't really there. Then it gives you an ending that leaves you wanting to throw a shoe at the screen. (Not nearly as bad as what I like to call the "Lost in Space" fiasco, but still). Oh, and it's not scary one bit. I don't know why it's trying to cash in on the horror audience at all. It's lame erotic thriller, that's neither erotic of thrilling. But it sure is lame.


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