Stealth Movie Review : What a Great Video Game!

Stealth is the greatest looking video game I have ever seen! WOW! I couldn't believe how great the graphics on this thing are. And the characters look so photo realistic, and not at all as stiff as previous other games I have seen. (I think Jamie Foxx, recent winner of the Academy Award for Best Actor, does one of the voices. It has his attitude, and it even looks a hell of a lot like him).

The missions are a little repetitive, but that's to be expected of a game of this nature. Basically, you're a pilot (who looks like the guy from Hulk, but could also be Cole Hauser, I remember killing his character off in the Riddick game, so it could be him) and you have wing mates, and you go off to foreign lands to bomb targets of terrorist activities. The maps are really helpful, starting off like the globe, but the easily identifying the countries like something out of Rand McNally. And you go off and bomb these bad guys. But then....

Then, one of your planes, an experimental robot plane that kinda sounds like HAL from 2001 (it sounds nutty, but bear with me) he gets struck by lightening. And then starts thinking for himself! And suddenly, it's not just terrorists your fighting, but this lunatic robot plane! There's one level where you meet a refueling blimp thingy in the air (it kind of looks like it's out of WaterWorld or something) and it's all a trap set by Evil Robot Plane, and you have to escape before it blows up! Oh, and there's always new rockin' music playing, like whenever the Stealth robot plane starts approaching targets.

Now, I didn't play the game, my roommate was playing, and it got a little boring watching him play after an hour or so, but some of the graphics were pretty cool. Especially the hot chick pilot. I guess there's an R&R level, and she's in a bikini looking really hot. Her voice work is alright, and I know she's just pixels, but watch out Lara Croft!!

What's that dude? You weren't playing a video game? That was a movie? That really was Jamie Foxx? But he's good in movies. Remember Collateral and Any Given Sunday? And that was the dude from Hulk who I always think is Cole Hauser? That's impossible, nobody's eyes are THAT shade of blue. So wait, that wasn't a game? You're playing with me. Look it up on the internet. Well, you can find anything on the internet....

Oh.

Son of a be-otch, you're right. Dude, that was a pretty crappy movie. Oh, it's by the guy who made XXX and The Skulls. And Daylight. I hate that guy. Yeah, he did The Fast and The Furious, but all the cool things in that are second unit. And Vin Diesel's voice. Wow, Stealth was really bad.

Wait, so the hot chick was really a hot chick? Jessica Biel! Oh thank christ, I thought I was getting a little weird there liking video game women. What the hell is she doing in this movie? Then when she was falling behind enemy lines from her plane, recounting everything on her way down, that was just annoying. Well, at least she was in a bikini. And the effects weren't great for a video game, but kinda lame for a flick?

You know, it's starting to make sense now. Maybe I was just in denial. That was pretty damn horrible. It was just as fun as watching someone else play video games for two hours, with the volume turned up really loud. And with really crappy rock music playing. So that was supposed to be funny when the tech dude said the Evil Robot Plane downloaded EVERY song on the internet? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing.

Evil Robot Plane? Who comes up with this? How can a movie about an evil robot plane get picked up and made into this, while my brilliant scripts go unnoticed? I had dancing kung fu robots in mine, and they KNEW they were a joke. Oh man. so this was a movie about military pilots, where nobody seemed to know ANYTHING about the military? Aren't pilots supposed to salute higher ranking officers? You know, instead of shaking their hands? Dude, I was at the air force academy for four hours a few weeks ago, and I felt the need to salute anyone after that experience. You'd think that actors would have looked into the realism of this movie. Oh right, right. Evil Robot Plane.

One more quick question: In Broken Arrow, the movie that didn't take itself too seriously, didn't they say that the nuclear bombs on the stealth plane could be around an explosion, or sit in a pool of burning gasoline for hours, and not detonate, at least not go nuclear? I guess that could be made up Hollywood nonsense as well, but if it were true, wouldn't that mean when Evil Robot Plane and company blow up those missiles, the surrounding villagers wouldn't be harmed by nuclear fall out? (I mean who cares about them anyway, right? Because obviously the filmmakers all forgot about it, and made Josh Lucas befriend the plane towards the end. Wow, what careless filmmaking!)

So this is a movie that's treating the audience like idiots. Actually showing the outlines and names of countries as if we really WERE looking at a map. And explaining the concept of prime numbers several times. I should be offended.
who wrote this? W.D. Richter?!? But... but... he brought us Buckaroo Banzai. And Jack Burton! I refuse to believe this. I can't believe I agreed to see this movie. We didn't pay, right? Oh, we wasted our free passes. Well, it didn't get our money at least. I got that going for me today.

Ok, two new rules: I pick the next movie, and you're going to hide the permanent markers from me, so I don't have this little incident befall us again.