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TheDude talks Dungeon Siege
Posted by: The DudeI was writing at the MoviesOnline forums this afternoon, bitching and moaning about this and that. It was on the forum regarding Ray Liotta joining the cast of Uwe Boll's Dungeon Siege, when a thought popped into my head. I noticed the cast Boll had assembled thus far: Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Burt Reynolds, and now Ray Liotta. Questions were rampant. How did this happen? Is the money that good? Did someone lose a bet? Why God Why?!? And so forth.
So you have this great cast that will probably wasted with nothing to do, unless they get that wonderful Matrix-cam again, where they'll have hours of nothing to do while they set up the camera. Why is this cast there? And that's when it hit me. Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Burt Reynolds, and Ray Liotta are all part of an elite group that solves mysteries of the human condition. I think they have a van and drive around to various movie shoots and try to figure out what went wrong. They were drawn by Boll's previous films to find out what makes the man tick, and how he can still be making movies, while geniuses like your truly over here type away at the bitter nothing end of the Hollywood food chain.
Then I thought it would make an awesome movie. Think about it. It's got a dash of Scooby Doo crossed with I Heart Huckabees (but without the grad school pretension) and the insider feel of The Player. And a great cast. (I mentioned that Rachel McAdams should be thrown in there as well, because she's fantastic as an actress, and this will bring me one step closer to making her fall madly in love with me. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will...) Maybe they present their findings to Professor Steven Hawking, who is like the Charlie to their angels. i have no title for the film yet, but I think it's a brilliant idea.
This lead me down a frightening train of thought (as most things do) to bring up some of my other brilliant, big budget, high concept Hollywood films that will never be made. Since I have as much of a chance of getting these films made as an Irishman not drinking at the Guiness factory (it's SOOOO much better there), I figure I'll unleash my awe inspiring, jaw dropping, pulse pounding, mind blowing droppings of genius upon you, the unsuspecting. Please keep in mind that these ideas ARE COPYRIGHTED. I may be a mad idiot, but I do have some sense of protecting the brilliance that comes forth from my brain.
Also, if any Hollywood types out there happen upon this, please drop me a line. These films will turn that so called slump around in no time, and make people happy to go to the theaters again.
Without further ado:
Super Terrific Happy Fun Movie a Go-Go: This will bring nations together. It begins with Jackie Chan making a pie. He's in a kitchen, and he's doing all his fun little stunt type stuff, all while trying to make this pie. He's having lots of fun doing this (this part takes about ten minutes or so) when who should walk through the door of his house? Roberto Benigni!! And man, is he ever so excited to be there, knowing full well that there's a pie in the oven!
R.B.: HEY! YOU MADE A PIE!!!
J.C.: Yes, I made the pie. It's a good pie!
R.B.: PIE!!!!!
This goes on for a few minutes, and boy is it great. There's another knock at the door, and in walks Morgan Freeman! Morgan Freeman says, in his fantastic voice, "I heard you boys made a pie. I just happened to bring some milk. I suggest we all enjoy this milk while eating your pie." Jackie, Roberto and Morgan are all terribly excited as they pour some milk and await the pie to continue baking. Morgan does that terrific laugh that's in that deleted scene from Shawshank Redemption. When all of a sudden, appearing in the window, is Denzel Washington and Jean Reno. Jean Reno happens to have a pie cutter, and Denzel's there mainly because I've never seen the man do comedy, so I'm sure he's bringing something to the table. Maybe it's some cool whip for the pie. That would be pretty nice.
The pie is ready. Everyone is excited! Jean Reno cuts slices out for everyone. Everyone is happy and smiling! Then we Salma Hayek and Eva Mendes show up in tiny bikinis and begin dancing. For 90 minutes.
In 3-D!
THE END.
Wha????: Another high concept comedy, this one starring Matthew McConaghey, Owen Wilson, and Steve Zahn. Basically, the premise is they share an apartment. Smoke constantly seems to billow out of their doors constantly. I have no idea what else they do, but I am toying with the idea of making Matty McC a credit card card rep who calls you up on the phone and asks you to get a credit card. But because he's so zonked out of his mind, he kind of forgets why he calls you, and starts to go on a bit about how his day is going, or he stops in the middle to ask the guy passing him if they could pick him up some coffee ("you know how I like it") and a bear claw.
The title derives from the sheer confused stasis all three actors occasionally give. I think after Sahara, we know that McC and Zahn are a perfect match. (Hell, I could have cared less about Penelope Cruz hooking up with Matt in the end, but wanted to see more Zahn/Matt action.) And adding Owen Wilson to the mix juat brings that bit of madness that only a Wilson can bring. A brief cameo should be set aside for Luke Wilson, as either their landlord, or a neighbor.
Comic gold, I'm telling you.
George A. Romero's Zombie Christ: It's only natural. Think about it: Hollywood this week recently made mention of how important the Christian audience is to the movie market. And after the success of The Passion of the Christ, this is the obvious "sequel". And Romero's the man to make it. It's so frighteningly brilliant I'm scaring myself.
The plot is simple enough: How else can you explain the sudden resurrection of Christ 3 days after his death? Easy. He's a zombie. First stop on his list? That prick Judas. Followed quickly by a stop to Pontious Pilot. But the people are so happy to see him, they don't realize that his biting them is turning them into zombies as well. Which is why this is Romero's, because only he can pull off the social satire required (and with his stately elegance) to show that religious zealots are, in essence zombies. This one is a thinker.
(By the way, I'm fully aware that I'm going to hell for writing this. I reserved my room already. But if there are any religious nuts out there who suddenly feel I'm being a cynical prick with regard to Jesus, mull this one over: I think if I were to tell Jesus about this, he'd laugh his ass off. Seriously. I believe that Jesus was a fun loving guy, hippy all the way, loving everybody, and seeing the humor in every situation. And he'd be second in line to see this movie. After me, obviously).
Anyway, those are my flick ideas. Soon, I'm sure I'll have some more, because genius like this doesn't just stop. Hope you enjoyed them, and if anybody wants to make these films, let me know.(The super terrific happy fun movie a go-go would go over like gangbusters at the Comedy festival in Aspen. I'm just saying) Like I said, I am a maniac, but I'm not a stupid maniac. These are my ideas, and I am very protective of them. And so is the law at this point.
I should probably get some sleep. I've got some fire and brimstone to dream of. And more of these awesome ideas. You know they'd kick your ass six ways until sunday.
So you have this great cast that will probably wasted with nothing to do, unless they get that wonderful Matrix-cam again, where they'll have hours of nothing to do while they set up the camera. Why is this cast there? And that's when it hit me. Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Burt Reynolds, and Ray Liotta are all part of an elite group that solves mysteries of the human condition. I think they have a van and drive around to various movie shoots and try to figure out what went wrong. They were drawn by Boll's previous films to find out what makes the man tick, and how he can still be making movies, while geniuses like your truly over here type away at the bitter nothing end of the Hollywood food chain.
Then I thought it would make an awesome movie. Think about it. It's got a dash of Scooby Doo crossed with I Heart Huckabees (but without the grad school pretension) and the insider feel of The Player. And a great cast. (I mentioned that Rachel McAdams should be thrown in there as well, because she's fantastic as an actress, and this will bring me one step closer to making her fall madly in love with me. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will...) Maybe they present their findings to Professor Steven Hawking, who is like the Charlie to their angels. i have no title for the film yet, but I think it's a brilliant idea.
This lead me down a frightening train of thought (as most things do) to bring up some of my other brilliant, big budget, high concept Hollywood films that will never be made. Since I have as much of a chance of getting these films made as an Irishman not drinking at the Guiness factory (it's SOOOO much better there), I figure I'll unleash my awe inspiring, jaw dropping, pulse pounding, mind blowing droppings of genius upon you, the unsuspecting. Please keep in mind that these ideas ARE COPYRIGHTED. I may be a mad idiot, but I do have some sense of protecting the brilliance that comes forth from my brain.
Also, if any Hollywood types out there happen upon this, please drop me a line. These films will turn that so called slump around in no time, and make people happy to go to the theaters again.
Without further ado:
Super Terrific Happy Fun Movie a Go-Go: This will bring nations together. It begins with Jackie Chan making a pie. He's in a kitchen, and he's doing all his fun little stunt type stuff, all while trying to make this pie. He's having lots of fun doing this (this part takes about ten minutes or so) when who should walk through the door of his house? Roberto Benigni!! And man, is he ever so excited to be there, knowing full well that there's a pie in the oven!
R.B.: HEY! YOU MADE A PIE!!!
J.C.: Yes, I made the pie. It's a good pie!
R.B.: PIE!!!!!
This goes on for a few minutes, and boy is it great. There's another knock at the door, and in walks Morgan Freeman! Morgan Freeman says, in his fantastic voice, "I heard you boys made a pie. I just happened to bring some milk. I suggest we all enjoy this milk while eating your pie." Jackie, Roberto and Morgan are all terribly excited as they pour some milk and await the pie to continue baking. Morgan does that terrific laugh that's in that deleted scene from Shawshank Redemption. When all of a sudden, appearing in the window, is Denzel Washington and Jean Reno. Jean Reno happens to have a pie cutter, and Denzel's there mainly because I've never seen the man do comedy, so I'm sure he's bringing something to the table. Maybe it's some cool whip for the pie. That would be pretty nice.
The pie is ready. Everyone is excited! Jean Reno cuts slices out for everyone. Everyone is happy and smiling! Then we Salma Hayek and Eva Mendes show up in tiny bikinis and begin dancing. For 90 minutes.
In 3-D!
THE END.
Wha????: Another high concept comedy, this one starring Matthew McConaghey, Owen Wilson, and Steve Zahn. Basically, the premise is they share an apartment. Smoke constantly seems to billow out of their doors constantly. I have no idea what else they do, but I am toying with the idea of making Matty McC a credit card card rep who calls you up on the phone and asks you to get a credit card. But because he's so zonked out of his mind, he kind of forgets why he calls you, and starts to go on a bit about how his day is going, or he stops in the middle to ask the guy passing him if they could pick him up some coffee ("you know how I like it") and a bear claw.
The title derives from the sheer confused stasis all three actors occasionally give. I think after Sahara, we know that McC and Zahn are a perfect match. (Hell, I could have cared less about Penelope Cruz hooking up with Matt in the end, but wanted to see more Zahn/Matt action.) And adding Owen Wilson to the mix juat brings that bit of madness that only a Wilson can bring. A brief cameo should be set aside for Luke Wilson, as either their landlord, or a neighbor.
Comic gold, I'm telling you.
George A. Romero's Zombie Christ: It's only natural. Think about it: Hollywood this week recently made mention of how important the Christian audience is to the movie market. And after the success of The Passion of the Christ, this is the obvious "sequel". And Romero's the man to make it. It's so frighteningly brilliant I'm scaring myself.
The plot is simple enough: How else can you explain the sudden resurrection of Christ 3 days after his death? Easy. He's a zombie. First stop on his list? That prick Judas. Followed quickly by a stop to Pontious Pilot. But the people are so happy to see him, they don't realize that his biting them is turning them into zombies as well. Which is why this is Romero's, because only he can pull off the social satire required (and with his stately elegance) to show that religious zealots are, in essence zombies. This one is a thinker.
(By the way, I'm fully aware that I'm going to hell for writing this. I reserved my room already. But if there are any religious nuts out there who suddenly feel I'm being a cynical prick with regard to Jesus, mull this one over: I think if I were to tell Jesus about this, he'd laugh his ass off. Seriously. I believe that Jesus was a fun loving guy, hippy all the way, loving everybody, and seeing the humor in every situation. And he'd be second in line to see this movie. After me, obviously).
Anyway, those are my flick ideas. Soon, I'm sure I'll have some more, because genius like this doesn't just stop. Hope you enjoyed them, and if anybody wants to make these films, let me know.(The super terrific happy fun movie a go-go would go over like gangbusters at the Comedy festival in Aspen. I'm just saying) Like I said, I am a maniac, but I'm not a stupid maniac. These are my ideas, and I am very protective of them. And so is the law at this point.
I should probably get some sleep. I've got some fire and brimstone to dream of. And more of these awesome ideas. You know they'd kick your ass six ways until sunday.
The Dude
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