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Dude Escapes from Michael Bays Island
Posted by: The DudeIt's summer. It's hot. I just got back from Texas, and let me tell you something, Texas in July is just plain wrong. I think my genitals liquified from the heat, and are hanging around the Alamo someplace. (Oh, and fun fact, the tour guides at the Alamo HATE YOU when you ask where the basement is.) But what better way to beat said heat then by seeing a Michael Bay movie?
Michael Bay movies are perfect for summer fare. Let's be honest, you will never see a Michael Bay movie released around "Oscar season" and even he knows it. He makes movies perfect for escapism. Sometimes brutal and incoherent, but he does make movies for audiences, even if the audience is just himself. (And judging by the weekend's box office reports, this might just be the case). And The Island is no exception.
The Island. I'm torn about this movie. Every instinct in me should loathe and despise every frame in the film. It's not a good movie, although there are parts that lead you to think it will be a good movie. The acting isn't all that great, although again there are a few exceptions. And I'll be damned, but the preview left absolutely NO surprises for the finished film. And yet, I still had a hell of a good time watching this thing.
The movie begins with Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor) and his world. Everything is white and sterile. Boys and girls aren't allowed to get within a certain proximity of each other. Everybody is encapsulated in this hermetically sealed world, for outside the walls is a virus that threatens all humanity. Everyone is safe within the walls, while they anxiously await winning the lottery. Winning the lottery means you get to go....to the island! The last remaining pathogen free zone, the island is where the best of the best are selected to help repopulate Earth.
Everyone seems to be happy in their white Logan's Run-esque jumpsuits, blindly accepting what they do in order to adapt to this new life, all in the hopes of getting to said island. All except for Lincoln, of course. He actually begins to question things. He wonders where the tubes in the wall go. He wonders why he can't have bacon at breakfast. And he wants to know why he can't get another color in his clothing. Lincoln's best friend is Jordan Two Delta (the ever yummy Scarlett Johannson) who doesn't possess the same intellectual curiosity that Lincoln does, but is happy to be around him, kicking his ass at the X-Box sanctioned fun station, or sharing fruity beverages and an Aquafina in a club that looks straight out of LA. She's just been selected for the island, and she's leaving tomorrow.
But then curiosity gets the better of Lincoln when he discovers a butterfly. Yes, a butterfly. Where did it come from? That's what he wants to know, so he goes exploring in places he shouldn't. And he uncovers the truth, which if you've seen any advertising for the film, you already know. He's a clone, along with everyone else, used as spare parts for the super rich who want to live forever. All run by an evil Sean Bean. Thinking quickly, Lincoln grabs Jordan before she's whisked off to the island, they make a run for it. They manage to break out of the facility and into the real world.
As it turns out, the real world happens to be a Michael Bay movie. Full of fast cars, big explosions, dutch angles, and people trying to get you. And guns. Lots of guns. (Oh, and no disease). Djimon Hounsou is assigned to bring them back, even though halfway through he seems to want to kill them. It's all confusion and chaos. But it's good looking chaos. Seriously, there were parts that felt like the movie was a perfume ad, which is weird because there IS a perfume ad in the movie that features Scarlett. Well, her character, but it's the ad that the real life Scarlett did. It's very confusing. It's not only an ad for perfume, but a literal ad for hundreds of products: Cadillacs, X-Box, MSN, Aquafina (the official water of the clone facility), I know I saw a beer in there somewhere. At one point, I was expecting Ewan to stop mid chase so he could take a big dramatic swig of some Pepsi. It would almost be infuriating, if I didn't care at this point.
I literally shut my brain off for the movie, and it was great. There were times when I began to question the logic, then I beat myself senseless until I shut up. Actually, I didn't have to, the action sequences did it for me. But man, were they cool as hell. There's actually one HUGE action sequence, that's about fifteen to twenty minutes long. It starts on the freeway with large metal somethings falling off the back of a truck and destroying cars. Then it leads into the air on these crazy hover cycle things, and that leads to the roof, where Lincoln and Jordan are trapped in a giant corporate logo. You've seen all these scenes in the ads, and it makes you think the movie is jam packed with action, but it's literally this one scene! Sure, there are some more smaller chases and a few gunfights, and a big ending that kind of makes you think that they spent all the money on the BIG sequence in the middle of the flick, but this was the gold.
The acting varies. Ewan is fantastic playing dual characters, Lincoln and his "sponsor" Tom Lincoln (see, the difference is one has the accent.) But he plays Lincoln really well, like a fifteen year old kid just itching to get out and see the world. And Tom is a rich asshole dying slowly from a VD. It's great. Hounsou is also really good, even if his character has a sudden change of heart and flips on a dime. But he's a very commanding presence. Michael Clarke Duncan is also good, but he literally has two scenes and a killer sight gag. Then there's Sean Bean, who starts off like he could be conflicted with the things he does, but turns out to be another power hungry Sean Bean villain. Steve Buscemi plays the Buscemi character, kind of weird and always quick with a funny line. And then we get to Scarlett. To her credit, it's not really her fault, because she is cloned from a model, and you get the feeling that she's channeling that vacuous persona. And she has some really bad dialogue. (I'm ready to make a drinking game, you take a shot whenever she says "Run!" and you'll be drunk within fifteen minutes of the Bay section of the movie.) But hey, she sure looks purdy, don't she?
There are a few things that bug me about the flick. The fact that we are a little bit in the future (2019 we're told at one point, even though it sounds like Sean Bean is saying the Eugenics Laws of 2050, when I think he's saying 2015) and yet all the cars pretty much look exactly the same as they do now. I can let that go, though, because most of the cars get trashed anyway. The constant product plugging would get me if I cared more. The cloning area looking a little too Matrix like I can overlook and pass off as homage. The fact that the movie sets up a really intriguing premise in the beginning and then kind of forgets about it for another Minority Report chase flick is something I could forgive, even though there are parts where you see the script shining through and trying to break free into something relevant. Like I say, this movie confounds me. I should, by all accounts, hate it. It doesn't make sense, it kills off a great premise, it has plenty of plot holes. I should be cursing Michael Bay's name and putting hexes on his children. (If Bruckheimer doesn't eat them first). But I don't. I had a hell of a fun time watching this.
The people I AM upset with are the folks in the marketing department. Seriously, guys (and gals) you gave away EVERYTHING! You could have kept us all in the dark, and just shown scenes from the first forty minutes. Show Lincoln realizing that something is going wrong. Do a damn War of the Worlds on the thing, and not spoil the goods. Let US discover the film and it's story as it goes. A few quick glimpses of action, ok, to remind us that it is a Michael Bay film. But why give up the hand? I could have had even more fun with the film if I didn't know every story beat ahead of time. Grrrrr.....
That being said, if you're looking for social relevance, you're in the wrong place. If you want something quiet and meditative, go see Last Days. But if you wanna revert to childhood thrills of seeing goofy sci-fi where a lot of things blow up real cool like, then go see The Island. (You have no idea how hard it was to not write something lame and trite like "You have been selected for the island," as the ending.) Michael Bay delivers exactly what he promises with "A Michael Bay film" and that's perfect for the middle of summer. I can't wait until Transformers.
Michael Bay movies are perfect for summer fare. Let's be honest, you will never see a Michael Bay movie released around "Oscar season" and even he knows it. He makes movies perfect for escapism. Sometimes brutal and incoherent, but he does make movies for audiences, even if the audience is just himself. (And judging by the weekend's box office reports, this might just be the case). And The Island is no exception.
The Island. I'm torn about this movie. Every instinct in me should loathe and despise every frame in the film. It's not a good movie, although there are parts that lead you to think it will be a good movie. The acting isn't all that great, although again there are a few exceptions. And I'll be damned, but the preview left absolutely NO surprises for the finished film. And yet, I still had a hell of a good time watching this thing.
The movie begins with Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor) and his world. Everything is white and sterile. Boys and girls aren't allowed to get within a certain proximity of each other. Everybody is encapsulated in this hermetically sealed world, for outside the walls is a virus that threatens all humanity. Everyone is safe within the walls, while they anxiously await winning the lottery. Winning the lottery means you get to go....to the island! The last remaining pathogen free zone, the island is where the best of the best are selected to help repopulate Earth.
Everyone seems to be happy in their white Logan's Run-esque jumpsuits, blindly accepting what they do in order to adapt to this new life, all in the hopes of getting to said island. All except for Lincoln, of course. He actually begins to question things. He wonders where the tubes in the wall go. He wonders why he can't have bacon at breakfast. And he wants to know why he can't get another color in his clothing. Lincoln's best friend is Jordan Two Delta (the ever yummy Scarlett Johannson) who doesn't possess the same intellectual curiosity that Lincoln does, but is happy to be around him, kicking his ass at the X-Box sanctioned fun station, or sharing fruity beverages and an Aquafina in a club that looks straight out of LA. She's just been selected for the island, and she's leaving tomorrow.
But then curiosity gets the better of Lincoln when he discovers a butterfly. Yes, a butterfly. Where did it come from? That's what he wants to know, so he goes exploring in places he shouldn't. And he uncovers the truth, which if you've seen any advertising for the film, you already know. He's a clone, along with everyone else, used as spare parts for the super rich who want to live forever. All run by an evil Sean Bean. Thinking quickly, Lincoln grabs Jordan before she's whisked off to the island, they make a run for it. They manage to break out of the facility and into the real world.
As it turns out, the real world happens to be a Michael Bay movie. Full of fast cars, big explosions, dutch angles, and people trying to get you. And guns. Lots of guns. (Oh, and no disease). Djimon Hounsou is assigned to bring them back, even though halfway through he seems to want to kill them. It's all confusion and chaos. But it's good looking chaos. Seriously, there were parts that felt like the movie was a perfume ad, which is weird because there IS a perfume ad in the movie that features Scarlett. Well, her character, but it's the ad that the real life Scarlett did. It's very confusing. It's not only an ad for perfume, but a literal ad for hundreds of products: Cadillacs, X-Box, MSN, Aquafina (the official water of the clone facility), I know I saw a beer in there somewhere. At one point, I was expecting Ewan to stop mid chase so he could take a big dramatic swig of some Pepsi. It would almost be infuriating, if I didn't care at this point.
I literally shut my brain off for the movie, and it was great. There were times when I began to question the logic, then I beat myself senseless until I shut up. Actually, I didn't have to, the action sequences did it for me. But man, were they cool as hell. There's actually one HUGE action sequence, that's about fifteen to twenty minutes long. It starts on the freeway with large metal somethings falling off the back of a truck and destroying cars. Then it leads into the air on these crazy hover cycle things, and that leads to the roof, where Lincoln and Jordan are trapped in a giant corporate logo. You've seen all these scenes in the ads, and it makes you think the movie is jam packed with action, but it's literally this one scene! Sure, there are some more smaller chases and a few gunfights, and a big ending that kind of makes you think that they spent all the money on the BIG sequence in the middle of the flick, but this was the gold.
The acting varies. Ewan is fantastic playing dual characters, Lincoln and his "sponsor" Tom Lincoln (see, the difference is one has the accent.) But he plays Lincoln really well, like a fifteen year old kid just itching to get out and see the world. And Tom is a rich asshole dying slowly from a VD. It's great. Hounsou is also really good, even if his character has a sudden change of heart and flips on a dime. But he's a very commanding presence. Michael Clarke Duncan is also good, but he literally has two scenes and a killer sight gag. Then there's Sean Bean, who starts off like he could be conflicted with the things he does, but turns out to be another power hungry Sean Bean villain. Steve Buscemi plays the Buscemi character, kind of weird and always quick with a funny line. And then we get to Scarlett. To her credit, it's not really her fault, because she is cloned from a model, and you get the feeling that she's channeling that vacuous persona. And she has some really bad dialogue. (I'm ready to make a drinking game, you take a shot whenever she says "Run!" and you'll be drunk within fifteen minutes of the Bay section of the movie.) But hey, she sure looks purdy, don't she?
There are a few things that bug me about the flick. The fact that we are a little bit in the future (2019 we're told at one point, even though it sounds like Sean Bean is saying the Eugenics Laws of 2050, when I think he's saying 2015) and yet all the cars pretty much look exactly the same as they do now. I can let that go, though, because most of the cars get trashed anyway. The constant product plugging would get me if I cared more. The cloning area looking a little too Matrix like I can overlook and pass off as homage. The fact that the movie sets up a really intriguing premise in the beginning and then kind of forgets about it for another Minority Report chase flick is something I could forgive, even though there are parts where you see the script shining through and trying to break free into something relevant. Like I say, this movie confounds me. I should, by all accounts, hate it. It doesn't make sense, it kills off a great premise, it has plenty of plot holes. I should be cursing Michael Bay's name and putting hexes on his children. (If Bruckheimer doesn't eat them first). But I don't. I had a hell of a fun time watching this.
The people I AM upset with are the folks in the marketing department. Seriously, guys (and gals) you gave away EVERYTHING! You could have kept us all in the dark, and just shown scenes from the first forty minutes. Show Lincoln realizing that something is going wrong. Do a damn War of the Worlds on the thing, and not spoil the goods. Let US discover the film and it's story as it goes. A few quick glimpses of action, ok, to remind us that it is a Michael Bay film. But why give up the hand? I could have had even more fun with the film if I didn't know every story beat ahead of time. Grrrrr.....
That being said, if you're looking for social relevance, you're in the wrong place. If you want something quiet and meditative, go see Last Days. But if you wanna revert to childhood thrills of seeing goofy sci-fi where a lot of things blow up real cool like, then go see The Island. (You have no idea how hard it was to not write something lame and trite like "You have been selected for the island," as the ending.) Michael Bay delivers exactly what he promises with "A Michael Bay film" and that's perfect for the middle of summer. I can't wait until Transformers.
Review by The Dude
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