Hard Rock Zombies Movie Review By Valkyrie

Take every crappy 1980's "hip-kids having fun"movie ever created, throw in some dwarves, the most horrible music videos of  80's hair bands on MTV that ever were, Adolph Hitler, half-assed gore-effects, stir and you will have the disaster that is "Hard Rock Zombies."

I am going to keep this brief, the agony of recollection is nausiating me.

Hard Rock Zombies is the touching story of Jessie and his band, who prance gaily from town to town trying to break into the "big-time" music scene. Resplendant in skin-tight spandex clothing, makeup and poofy hair, they are on their way to the town of Guignol to meet a big music indy guy who will pave their way to fame and fortune. During a show the night before, (which we are forced to suffer through a musical torture session that seems to carry on for hours) Jessie meets shy young Cassie. (She comes equipped with big frizzy hair and eyebrows that look like huge catapillars pasted on her face.)

Anyway, Cassie warns Jessie that he and his band should steer clear of Guignol, that the town father's don't take kindly to "Rock-and-Rollers." He thanks her, but being such an ambitious young musical group they decide to venture forth to town anyway. During the ride in their tour-van, Jessie is experimenting with a tune that he learned from a "book." A tune which unbeknownst to them has the power to resurect the dead.

Whoa Dude! Theres a hot chick on the side of the road hitchhiking! Lets pick her up! Oh, sure we will come to your spooky old house to stay for free instead of the expense of a motel. What's that sound? The howling from the upstairs window you say? Why its only momma, practicing her theraputic primal scream therapy. Hmmmm......

Jump to the most idiotic vignette of "boys out having fun" in history. I cant even begin to describe it. Imagine...skateboards, mimes, dancing, prancing, and posing. *shudder*

Well little Cassie was right, they do not take kindly to Rock-and-rollers in the town of Guignol, and are whisked away to an open windowed jail uh..shed? Cassie gives the guys bail money and of course Jessie, the leader of the band, is instantly in love with her and even wrote a song about her! Wow! Cool beans dude.

As the band heads back to the house they are staying at with the crazy bimbo from the roadside, ahhh...they get killed in the most idiotic of manners, but not before Jessie gives his new jail-bait love interest a cassette tape that he instructs her to play if he should meet his end. He does, so she plays the tape as she whimpers at his graveside. Up in a choreographed zombie march do the fallen heros rise to slay their murderers. On the down side, the music affects these slain meanies too. So the entire town is filled with marching ah...zombies.

I'm not even going into details about hitler and the dwarves, suffice it to say they are part of the murdering clan.

The acting is horrid, the Fx even worse. The torment of the musical interludes defies description. Do yourself a favor, NEVER see this movie, unless you want to proudly proclaim that I have just witnessed the WORST ZOMBIE FILM IN HISTORY! The end....Thank God!

You can check out Hard Rock Zombies on our sister site. Complete cast list, and synopsis as well as reviews.

Review by the very lovely Valkyrie
Zombie Goddess of MoviesOnline