5 Movies That Will Guarantee No Second Date

It's a simple fact of life: going out to a movie on a first date is a terrible idea. Let's begin with the fact that you're going out with someone you're trying to get to know better, but you're spending two hours sitting next to each other, not speaking and staring at a wall with moving pictures. Or worse, you're sitting on a couch, reading into every action and reaction, focusing on a story instead of the person you want to be spending time with.

Then there's the pressure involving the choice of film to view. Here's where things get awfully tricky. Thankfully, social networking websites have made it infinitely easier to determine the tastes of your date. If you see (s)he enjoys musicals, you know it's a pretty safe bet to not take in a John Woo movie. If you see a picture of Errol Morris, you know not to see an Adam Sandler movie. And if you see anything involving the word Twilight, you know it's time to walk away. 

Taste is subjective, yes. But there's a fair chance that if you take in one of these movies, you will not get a second date with that person. (However, if you DO get a second date after seeing one of these, you've probably got yourself a keeper. Or someone who might need to seek professional help).

BLUE VELVET : Ah, the pristine perfection of suburbia. As seen through the eyes of David Lynch. Curiously enough, it's one of the more straightforward Lynch tales, but that still doesn't get you off the hook once Dennis Hopper shows up huffing nitrous oxide and forcing other cast members to engage in disturbing sex acts. Good luck getting the song out of your head once the movie's over, too. That makes for a fun soundtrack while trying to fish a smooch.

DEAD RINGERS: Nothing says a nice romantic evening then the heart-warming tale of twin gynecologists who seduce their patients. David Cronenberg's portrait of the Mantle twins may be portrayed brilliantly in a dual role by Jeremy Irons, but you try stealing second base with the image of a set of stainless steel demonic-inspired gynecological instruments in your head.

INSIDE: You can suss out all future relationship talks involving children with a simple viewing of this film. Sure, you can try to gussy the movie up by saying it's a horror movie, or if you're really desperate to impress you can play up that's in a foreign language! That's certain to show you have depth and class. Never mind the story line that requires the pregnant main character to be terrorized by someone who wants that baby out of her no matter what. Good times.

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: If you want to spend two hours with some of the most miserable assholes captured on celluloid, all while decrying how the suburbs rob us of individuality , and then have it culminate in a home-made abortion gone wrong, then this is the right movie for you. Bonus points to you if the lingering depression residue of this movie lasts less than two hours.  Mad props to you for trying to pass it off as starring "those cute kids from the sinking boat movie".

ANTICHRIST: From the opening sequence, which manages to include gorgeous black and white cinematography, opera, the death of a child, AND Willem Dafoe's scrotal sack, this movie is perfect for... I can't think of a way to end that sentence. Given that by the time it's over you're up to your neck in misogyny, talking foxes and genital mutilation to last three dates, Lars Von Trier's exercise in alleviating his depression is surprisingly easy to watch. In small increments. Very small. this movie still freaks me out.

What other movies are out there that ruin potential match ups? I wanna know! )(FYI: Monster's Ball and Ice Storm almost made the cut, but then I remembered Dafoe's balls.)