Do I Have to See Twilight New Moon?

The film has been unleashed upon the masses and the tween-shrieking has subsided. Records have been broken, and boatloads of cash have been made. The big topic on everyones' lips this week is about a certain series of vampire films that don't contain the word "Blade" in the title. Everywhere you go, the words "New Moon" adorn theater marquees and Hot Topic stores and fast food burger joints. People are sporting shirts that read "Team Edward", and I don't even know what the hell that means. Frankly, I don't care to know what it means, either. This is one of the few times I truly am happy to not be part of the conversation.

I ask you this: Do you, the readers of this fine site who keep me afloat in Shasta Cola and Mexican Twinkees (They're like regular Twinkees, but cheaper, staler, and filled with strawberry creme) really need to know what my opinion is of The Twilight Sage: New Moon? Seriously, now.

This is not a question stemmed from my near-legendary laziness, it's a genuine query. Do I really need to see it? For you adoring "Twihard" fans, do you really care one way or another if I see the movie? Your opinion is already made up on the film without having seen it. All you will do is wildly disagree with my inevitably negative panning of the motion picture with a whole slew of misspellings and/or webspeak. And if I wind up mildly tolerating the film, or Odin-forbid enjoying it, I'll never hear the end of "Told-yas" from fans and incredulous disbelief from haters. (Not to mention the incessant ridicule I will no doubt receive from my friends and family if I like it).

Note upfront, this is not a condemnation of the fans of the series. I am a nerdy fanboy, I understand the obsession with the fictional world. In my closet you will find a browncoat, a lightsaber, a fedora that a certain archeologist/explorer wears, and a Pac Man outfit. (Greatest Halloween costume ever). I realize I'm a nerd-fanboy archetype, and I've gladly accepted my role in life. And I'm all for young girls finally being represented into this mix of fandom, and having a blockbuster movie to call their own that doesn't involve robots. I do not believe that this film should not exist, far from it. I'm all for it. I just don't want to have to see it if I'm already pre-disposed to not enjoy it.

Why don't I want to see it? There's a myriad of reasons, the least of which would be it would be a giant waste of everybody's time. There's also the fact that I don't fit the demographic intended for the film, in age and gender. (I may not act like a man in my 30s, but I certainly feel like one sometimes). But the main problem is I watch the previews for both films, and all I glean from it are trees. Every scene involves brooding teens in trees. There are trees everywhere. There are so many trees, I'm waiting for Ewoks to show up and ruin things. If I want to see trees, I'll go outside, and if I want to see brooding teens I'll hang out at the high school. (Once the restraining order has passed it's time limit).

These factors all add up to a moviegoing experience that you could most definitely call biased. Much like I know the upcoming Ninja Assassin will kick supreme amounts of ass, based on the sole fact that the movie is outright called "NINJA ASSASSIN", I know I will not enjoy New Moon. I will probably not enjoy the previous film, or later installments of the "saga". It's a Romeo and Juliet tale, now with vampires and werewolves. If they weren't able to entice me with that premise in THREE Underworld movies, how can you possibly conceive of getting me to begin to consider spending my time with Bella Swan and the sparkly teen bloodsucker? And those movies had the unfair advantage of women in tight leather outfits performing acrobats and two-fisted gunfights!

In the end, when all the excitement has settled down, what matters is YOUR opinion of the film. No matter what I say about a movie, it will not influence your feelings regarding it. But with all the hype and money and attention, wouldn't my keen perception of films be best used towards the plethora of films gracing cinemas that could use the attention? Wonderful films, with strong female leads, like An Education, or smaller films that wouldn't normally get the chance for a wide audience, like the new film from Pedro Almodovar, Broken Embraces? Or Precious, which will no doubt be up for many awards in the near future. Films that you may not know about, that could broaden your horizons and expand your definition of cinema.

The Twilight Saga is an unavoidable phenomenon, and I've come to terms with that. Not every movie this year can be District 9, afterall. Please come to terms with my not wanting to view this film, to be left out of this pop culture tango. If you cannot do this, at least try to find a way to convince me to watch these movies without using the term "LOL". Please?

Sincerely,
The Dude

PS- I'll make you a deal, if you leave me alone in this Twilight crusade, I'll try to dial down the hyperbole when Avatar comes out, assuming it's the game changer everyone claims it to be. At least we know that Twilight will be the more successful film, from a financial point of view.