Psyched for SAW 6

The end of October. This means changes in weather, the end of baseball, lots of parties with women dressed up in "sexy" versions of everything from Strawberry Shortcake to nuns, and another Saw movie to be unleashed upon the multiplexes.

You know, I gotta hand it to the filmmakers. They've crafted a wholly original new series of cheap thrillers that don't require much money, and have led it to the greatest grossing horror series of all time!

On top of which, we're six movies in, and they haven't resorted to 3-D releases, a prequel set in the old west, or Jigsaw in space yet, which means there must still be plenty of needlessly complex methods of killing people with common household rusted objects. Although I hear the next one will probably be in 3-D, so Saw VIII will probably take place aboard the NSA Jigsaw

Anyway, with the release of Saw VI right around the corner, I figured I would take the plunge and have myself a marathon of Saw in an attempt to refresh myself in the ways of Jigsaw, and not at all because I can't differentiate what happened in what film. And as a way to get SUPER-PSYCHED TO THE MAX about the latest installment of Lionsgate cash cow that's not associated with Tyler Perry.

I've decided to start my journey at 10:00 PM this evening, after a pre-viewing binge drinking session. I've armed myself with the appropriate necessities for enjoying such movies: a 3 liter bottle of Mountain Dew, a bag of Munchos, and some chicken wings that I've dubbed "Spooky Chicken Wings" to get in the right frame of mind. (No booze, because quite frankly I ran out during the pre-show)

What follows are my semi-coherent notes. I have terrible handwriting, so there may be some things lost in the translation. Also note: I'm going to be spoiling the hell out of these movies, so if you haven't seen them and want to be surprised, stop reading here.

SAW - 10 PM
Alright... the one that started it all! Has a good beginning. Two dudes trapped in a room, chained to large pipes. One of them is the guy from Hot Shots. The interwebz tell me the other guy is the writer. Both men are disguising their natural accents.

Wow, either the set designers of this are at the top of their game, or this was filmed in some un-sanitary conditions. Hopefully this is movie magic. Hey Danny Glover's in this! And the dude from Lost, Miles, is his partner. HOLY CRAP, the OTHER dude from Lost is in this! Ben Linus. That guy is so good on that show. I can never trust him, but I can always trust his nature. Twenty bucks says he's bad here.

Oh snap! That chick's head would have snapped right off if she didn't get the key in time. This Jigsaw killer has a lot of time and resources at his disposal, huh? My Dew needs a refill.

Ok... guys talking some more... backstory, blah blah, blah... HOLY FUCK, THEY JUST BLEW MILES' HEAD OFF WITH 8 SHOTGUNS!! There are some twisted people behind the scenes of this one.

The guys in the room are starting to annoy me with their bad accent cover up. When are they... oh, Wesley just started sawing through his own leg! Sweet! the movie lives up to its title! Oh, but he shot the writer! There's something symbolic to be found there.

HOLY CRAP! Jigsaw was the guy lying on the floor the whole time! And everybody is dead! Oh, if only the writer hadn't been so hasty and let the key go down the drain in the first shot of the movie! Clever!

Not the greatest, but certainly a step above most horror movies, and the gore is both excessive and restrained. Bravo! More Mountain Dew for all! Funny, my hand seems to be shaking a little.

SAW  II - 11:45 PM
Alright, the hell with a bathroom break, I'm jumping straight into the next terrifying chapter! There's a dude with a giant thing on his head! FUCK! He hesitated. Welcome to the world of Saw, mothafucka!

(Mental note: Suggest they open all the movies in the franchise by declaring that in the beginning).

Alright, who's this new kid on the block! Get it? Because it's Mark Wahlberg's brother, who was in that band, Menudo! Alright, he's obsessed with tracking down Jigsaw, and the Starship Trooper is giving him a hard time. Blah blah blah, get to the saws! Oh shit watch out for that clown puppet, whenever he appears. Wow, the police managed to find a cancer patient who requires an IV drip to move around. With only about a dozen sub-machine guns aimed at him.

Alright, here's the goods! Buncha people in a house up to no good! There's gas leaking, and lots of traps in store! The girl from the first one is back! And hey, there's Lucy Camden from 7th Heaven! I wonder if she dies.. nope someone else did first. This house is just as disgusting as the first one.

There's no way out fools, just play the games and die in an order I don't see coming. Holy shit, did the asshole dude just shove the survivor girl into a pit of needles?!!? A PIT OF NEEDLES!?!?!?!  I feel like I need to bathe in rubbing alcohol now. Mountain Dew, you will help me in these difficult times.

Alright, everybody's got numbers on the back of their heads. Damn, if only they all worked together as a team. Man, Jigsaw must have the patience of a saint. You know, for someone who has a fetish for rusted metal.

Oh Wahlberg is not pleased. He's beating up Jigsaw! Oh shit, he's back in the bathroom from the first movie! The writer didn't make it! but wait, where's his son? Oh crap! The kid was there with all the cops the whole time! That Jigsaw is crafty! how did he accomplish all... Ahhh, the survivor is now female Jigsaw assistant. If only Donnie Wahlberg had patience, he could've avoided nonsense, and quashed the franchise possibilities in one swift stroke. Alas,

Whoa! A gory, almost tightly wound mechanism that values a semblance of a plot over random teen slaughter. I like this one better than the first! Dew-tinis and Spooky wings for all! bonus points for saying "There will be blood", but minus those points for not actually including Daniel Plainview.

SAW III- 1:45 AM

After a quick trip to the restroom, which produced urine the color of the Predator's blood (Thanks Mountain Dew!) it's time to get back into Saw. What do we have here? New Kid on the block in the same predicament as the guys from the first one! Irony! Shit, he broke his foot with the toilet lid! If one of the guys from the first one thought about this, do you think Jigsaw would have revealed himself on the floor, and the game would be over? Oh damn, New Kid is killed by the Blob girl.  (Welcome to Saw, muthafucka!)

Alright, what now, a dude with hooks and the room is wired to blow? There's no way he can get out of this. Oh my, he didn't. I did not see that coming at all.

So now we have an actress who's tormented now, and a doctor. This means surgical tools are inevitable. Ahh, she's kidnapped by the girl wearing that pig mask. Ok, there's also the dude from Braveheart, waking up in.. you guessed it! another series of traps. And he's a terrible actor.

Wow, they really love the narrative device of flashback in these flicks, huh? There is way too much going on in this movie that I don't care about, and yet I still feel I need a flowchart.

Oh my god, the guy's being ground up in a meat slaughtering machine! that's pretty disgusting. Interesting that it's all because this guy's drunk and blaming others for his kid's death. Real mature parenting, there, Braveheart. Oooh, Starship Troopers gets ripped apart! That's not healthy.

Ah, an emergency brain surgery scene. Suddenly I'm reminded of seeing this in the movie theaters. Yes, this is the movie I threw up in! I've repressed it for so long, but this scene physically made me vomit. How disturbing, and oddly cathartic! I shall celebrate by vomiting a second time! No doubt, it will be ecto-cooler green! This is disgusting, I have to distract myself and regain valuable nutrients through wings and chips!

Hey potato chip people, here's an idea: Cooler Ranch! It's a tortilla chip that smokes!

Alright, the movie's still going on, and there seems to be a tense confrontation. More tapes are played. Loyalties, blah blah.. OH SNAP! Now everyone's dead! I mean everyone, Jigsaw, girl helper, lady doctor, guy from Braveheart. How the hell are they going to continue?

So far, the weakest, most convoluted, and most disgusting of the series. It's as if the director took on a bet to be more disgusting than Hostel, and won, but Eli Roth didn't care. Now I have no idea where this can go, and my sugar rush is going down. Time to Dew up and truck on!

SAW IV - 4:00 AM

My god is it really 4 in the morning? My handwriting is starting to look doubled up. And neon green. More Dew is the only remedy for this ailment!

Ok, so I'm treated to an autopsy of Jigsaw. Lovely. How the hell can they continue without bringing him back like Jason Vorhees? Ahhh, the old "Micro-cassette sealed with wax in the stomach of the corpse gag". Welcome to Saw mutha...

Seriously, even with the help of Amanda, there's no way they could have possibly purchased all the real estate and acquired all the tetanus-laced tools from Home Depot to pull this off without at least a year of good planning, and a magic 8-ball that predicts where everyone's going to be at any time, ever.

Also, Jigsaw must worship Tool videos based on his decor tastes.

Alright, more people are gonna die now. Wait, are we in a flashback? Isn't that Donnie Walhberg again? Isn't he dead? What the hell is going on here? This movie is taking place at the same time as the last one?

For the love of Odin, please don't make me put the last one in again for reference! That's the biggest torture that Jigsaw could ever put anyone through. That giant melting ice block is a pretty cool set piece, though. Too bad the impracticalities of the situation are too numerous to begin tabulating.

Wait.... WHAT?!?

How many people are helping out Jigsaw? Is there going to reach a point where everyone in this city is either a victim of him or an accomplice? There can't be that many people left, after four movies. At least that explains how everything is set up so easily. It probably also means that Jigsaw is well connected enough to get discounts on all the equipment he needs.

Fourth movie doesn't make much sense anymore, but it's still a tad better than part III. Difficulty staying awake. Dew isn't helping, and wings have gone cold. Will create something on stove consisting of cheese and eggnog spices, as that's all I have left in my apartment.

SAW V- 5:42 AM

You know what I just discovered? This isn't even Mountain Dew! It's not even the cheap knock-off brand from the grocery store that costs 99 cents. I'm pretty sure it's NyQuil. This explains a lot, including my recent fear of anything with a vaguely pointed edge in my house. that might also be from the movies. 

Last one to go. Let's see what's happening this time around.

There's a tree, and a bunch of people are climbing up it, fighting to get to the top. Fuck, there's a lot of violence in trying to get to this tree top. All the people have this disturbing dust on them. On the plus side, this is the most daylight I've seen in the series thus far.

Still not sure what's going on, though, and I'm pretty sure nobody's speaking English anymore. Did I miss a step? Did Jigsaw run out of assistants in his city and had to outsource to Asia? What the hell is going on here? Where are the rusty traps?!?! Why are there thugs stealing statue heads? Why is...

Wait. This is Ong Bak. How did Ong Bak get in the DVD case for Saw V? Ong Bak 2 is coming out this week, too! Oooh, I should do an Ong Bak marathon. it'll be a lot easier and I won't pee a highlighter for a week afterwards. I wonder what happens in Saw V.

I bet I could muster a guess that involves a lot of traps, people not paying attention and rushing into situations, a fractured timeline that makes Memento look like Russian Ark, and probably some dramatic irony covered in gore. Maybe a unicorn fight, on top of a volcano lair.

At this point, the scribbles became totally illegible, and there was what could be a drawing of a dragon, or a mouth with a broken tooth. Either way, I'm disturbed by the effect the Saw movies had on my collective unconscious, yet can't wait to see the new one.

Or the new Ong Bak. Either way, I think I'll be alright. (Alright being a completely relative term in this case).