New Moon: Things I expect from the Twilight Films

Imagination is a wonderful thing. It brings all sorts of entertainments, mostly involving wizards, dragons, and stars that are at war. A good portion (73%) of what we see in cinemas and on television sets across the globe is a direct result of someone's imagination, for better or for worse. And it's precisely this tool that allows me to get by, day after day, without mainlining black tar heroin between my toes so that the boss can't tell.

Full disclosure: I have not seen, nor read, anything Twilight. The closest I came is when I asked the ticket guy to change my ticket from Quantum of Solace to Twilight, so that I would never have to be reminded about seeing Quantum of Solace again. Everything I do know, I have gleaned from fans and none fans alike, to give myself no bias whatsoever.

It's nothing against the Twilight universe, there are no pre-disposed mindsets preventing me from seeing it. (Except maybe lack of robots and ninjas, obviously) I'm merely waiting for all the films to be complete so that I can witness the entire series from beginning to end, to realize the different filmmakers' visions as a cohesive whole. I like the talent involved, especially behind the camera. New Moon has a solid director in Chris Weitz, and the third film (Eclipse?) is by the guy who made Hard Candy, and 30 Days of Night. (Which, sadly, is a vampire movie I've come to hate).

But I enjoy being a pain in the ass, and therefore have decided to just make thing up about Twilight. Things I imagine are in the film so that when I finally do sit down in 2012 (just before the impending apocalypse) and start my Twilight-athon, I'll have something to look forward to! Things that can only come from the mind of someone who's entirely indifferent, and who has no idea if these alleged "jokes" might actually come true in these films.

Remember, I have no clue as to what happens in these movies, so hold your hate mail telling me how I just don't get it and I only need to pile on with everyone else telling me these movies are just really long Hot Topic commercials with an overemphasis on brooding. This is pure humorous speculation. Or conjecture. Can't remember which is which.

(Oh,it's a given, almost a fact of life, that I want every movie to contain a score by Rush, so we're going to accept that as fact for all movies and move on).  So what do I expect from Twilight?:

Non-brooding vampires Vampires that are just happy to explore their lives, and aren't troubled by their morality and lot in life. Perhaps a vampire social club, which could involve croquet, and cucumber sandwiches at high tea, who discuss important things and have zero ennui!

A touching metaphor that links vampirism with menstruation.: Teenagers? Hormones? Vampires? I can't believe nobody has ever made this connection before! I really hope the filmmakers thought of this, because I enjoy watching awkward budding teen sexuality ruined by science and fantasy. That or racism metaphors. Those might work, too. I've never seen that in a film before.

Vampires that can run around in the day
Enough of this Bela Legosi sleeping in a coffin bullshit. I want these guys to be like Blade. Besides, how can the kid who died in Harry Potter 4 (spoiler) manage to go to school and make every girl swoon if he can't be there during the day? Unless...Scenes set at Night School! The perfect solution! This will naturally lead to a discourse about the lack of education provided in our school systems, which would thrust Cedric Diggory and the girl from Panic Room into the national spotlight to raise awareness. Like Brown V Board of Education. Except the V stands for vampires.

THIS SCENE:
Cedric is sitting in his room, listening to headphones, when his dad walks in, rockin a sweet mustache, and holding a cigar box. Dad looks upset. Cedric doesn't know what to do. Dad confronts Cedric about smoking the reefer, asking him where he learned to do such a thing. Angered and confused, Cedric responds "YOU! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!" A tender beat happens, as Dad reflects upon his life.

More awkward teen romance:
Because I can never see this enough in movies. Maybe a few scenes of teen vampires unsure of what to do, so they hang out in the mall and see their crush with... OH NO! Is that the captain of the football team?!? A hopes are dashed. Guess I'll drink some blood. But not from the D&D nerds. They've got enough problems at this school without fear of being drained. At east until...

A Prom That's a Worthy Successor to Carrie's:
It's a high school movie. The rites of passage should be here. homecoming, SATs, and naturally the prom. But since there are vampires at this school, this prom should be like the first ten minutes of Blade, complete with a badass techno score! (That may or may not sample Rush). The amount of blood shed should rival any Miike film. Maybe that's what the fourth film is about! But let Joss Whedon write and direct it. The man knows some great things about vampires.

Sam Rockwell:
Obviously he needs to appear because he was so awesome in the original "Moon." I expect him to play 4 roles in this "New Moon". Barrring that, Ron Perlman playing every role should suffice.