Vlad Movie Review by Jon

Posted by: Jon
So Mike shows me a movie trailer by the name of "Vlad". Wow, this movie looks like a bone chilling thriller about vampires. And hell, I’ve always been intrigued by the story of Vlad "The Impaler", aka Vlad Dracula, the historic figure Bram Stoker made famous. So yes, how could I not do this review?

Starting off with John Rhys-Davies (You know, Gimli from Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, and a billion other things) doing a narrative on the history of Vlad. The story then starts with Brad Dourif’s character choosing four students to go to Romania based on their thesis essays. Wait! This film has another star from "Lord of the Rings"? This movie has got to be sweet.

So luckily these students get none other than Billy Zane (Titanic anyone?) to guide them through Romania. Well I’m only 3 minutes into the movie and look at all this excitement. No worry, that’s the last of the excitement I’m going to see in this movie. So the students get to their hotel rooms in Romania, and have a ninja jump out and attack with a fore arm chop, leaving you asking "Did that ninja skip ninjitsu class?" After the ninja’s terrible display of martial arts, he gets beat up and runs away never to explain why there was a ninja to begin with. What the hell is this crap? At least the girl has a bath scene afterwards. And why wouldn’t she have a nice hot steamy bath after being attacked by a ninja that was hiding in her room? I know I would.

Next up is Billy Zane in action. Caught up in a battle for life and death and a car chase that turns into a foot chase, this is some great action. Problem is that the folks chasing are running like mad, and Billy Zane is only fast walking, and yet he keeps getting away like the energizer bunny.

Billy Zane shows no boundary when he jogs away from his would be captures. The jogging lasts a bit too long, but ends with Billy Zane escaping by jumping off the side of a building. "Well he’s obviously a vampire!" I thought. Well if he is, Vlad later kills him before we get the chance to see his impressive vampiric power at work.

Will the horror never end? Probably not! We also get to see flash backs of Vlad’s life in the 15th century. My favourite flashback is when Vlad’s child is dropped during a not so intense horse chase. At this moment I was wondering "Why was the baby giggling after it was dropped?" Was it symbolized something? Or just maybe the baby was just so relieved that is miraculously survived being dropped on it’s under developed skull. Well I’m sure the intention was brilliant at least.

After all that, we get to the good points. You may be thinking… are there more good points besides having cast from Lord of the Rings? Well yes, there are some. The story gives us a lot of true facts about the history of Vlad. Wow neato. And that’s about it… So if you have a friend who can’t read, but wants to learn more about Vlad. Here’s their chance!

This movie tries to sell itself with the slogan "there are things worse than death". Well who would have thought it to be the movie itself? The movie tries to paint a different portrait on vampires, using the original inspiration that Bram Stoker used. Luckily Bram Stoker didn’t end up with a story as good as liver cancer. With a movie based on a man noted for torturing and killing tens of thousands of people, there was a surprising lack of blood and death. I thought this was a horror movie? I’ve seen more killing in an episode of G.I. Joe damnit. The only thing scary about this movie is that someone thought it was a good idea.

So why would anyone go see this movie? Well Vlad is a must see for any horror fan who faints at the sight of blood. Because in this horror movie there is none. Also a good reason to see Vlad is if you are a die hard Lord of the Rings fan, and have to see every movie, that the entire cast has ever done.

At first I thought the real Vlad, would be rolling in his grave over this movie. Then I came to realize, he probably enjoys that his name is still torturing innocent souls to this day.

I would have to give this movie 2 out of 10, only because I have faith that Mike will be able to cough up a crappier movie that I can give a 1 or a 0 out of 10

This review does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of Moviesonline.ca

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