G.I. Joe Movie Review

For those who are confused by which summer movie based on a toy this movie is, this is the slightly less insulting one that's actually, when all is said and done, kinda fun. Who would have thought that Transformers 2 would only be the SECOND best movie based on a toy to be released this summer? (It still has the distinction of being the worst one, at least!) GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a stupid movie. It's not quite smart enough to be aware of how stupid it is, but it's wise enough to move along at a brisk pace and keep things simple and mildly exciting. Hell, it's pretty entertaining even. It's really not bad at all. Stupid, but not insulting, and the grin never left my face from the beginning to end. (To be fair, some jackass made a farting noise before the movie actually started, and that's what caused the grin during the company logos).

So the movie opens up in France in the late 17th century, when you learn of a Scottish man named Mac-something that doesn't really matter. He sold weapons to the enemies, and he is branded a traitor, being forced to wear an iron mask. (Hmmm...) Then we get a title card, then another one that says "In the not too distant future", which instantly made me think I was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyway, in this near future, the descendant of Mac-whatever (who's played by the Doctor Who that was in 28 Days Later) has developed "nanotechnology" that fixes everything. Or destroys it. It's a bunch of parasitic robots that eat through metal. These are attached to four warheads. The warheads are attacked, but GI Joe is there to save the day. The warheads are stolen again, GI Joe has to go out and get them. That's the plot. No nonsense, cut and dry. Let the action playsets loose and have fun with them. And that's all the movie really is: just an elaborate action playset, complete with not one, but TWO hidden bases. (One is underwater!!!) And a bunch of cool flying machines that fire the force or something. It really doesn't matter, because it was a fun time that new it was silly and went along for the ride.

The main characters (Duke, Ripcord, Baroness, etc) get a back story that's not necessary, but moves things along. The only back story that you want to see is the one between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. It's pretty badass, and the movie knows itself well enough to bring that one to the forefront, because that's what we want to see. We demand ninjas. And we get them. Hell, Snake Eyes is the best character in the whole damn movie. Mostly because he's underused, but when he is used he kicks a lot of ass, and doesn't have to say a word. Smart move. Don't make him talk in the sequel if there is one. Yeah, the actors are pretty bad, but uniformly so. All they have to do is deliver words. Doesn't matter how, because the movie just moves onto something else. The only one I found distracting was Joseph Gordon-Levitt's voice, which made him sound like Justin Long in Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Kinda weird, but who cares?!? It's about the cool flying things and explosions, and eschewing modern pop nonsense in favor of the T-Rex classic "Bang A Gong" for a workout montage. The only thing that would make this movie cooler is if they sang "America! Fuck Yeah!" From Team America. I carry a VERY light nostalgia for the original cartoon.

I don't care if you change things around, origin stories and back stories and such I really couldn't care less about. But seeing the preview, I thought making them have robot suits was too much. But the good news is they're only in one sequence, and that's it. The only other complaint I have is that there is no GI Joe PSA at the end of the credits, teaching kids right from wrong, because knowing is half the battle. GI Joe is the equivalent of attending an 8 year-old nephew's birthday party. It's loud, but not overbearing, and there's some cool toys to play with (if you're, you know... 8), but the little guy is happy with the toys, so you keep watching him whilst on the sugar high of the ice cream cake that's pretty decent. Then it's over, and you think to yourself "That was mildly entertaining, and nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, and WAY better than the last birthday I attended". Plus, fucking Zartan shows up!!!! Reason enough to see it. (Although, he doesn't turn blue when exposed to sun).