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June 17th, 2018

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

piranah 3ddI originally thought that using the title PIRANHA 3DD was sort of clever for a sequel to a film that featured the shameless use of nudity to add to the fun of the experience- and then I saw PIRANHA 3DD. I can now confirm that not only is the title the only clever thing about the sequel, but it also doesn’t at all warn you about what to really expect about the film you are about to suffer through. Sure poster boast twice the terror twice the D’s, but it only delivers on one of those fronts and I’ll give you a hint- the only thing terrifying about this film is how terrible it is.

Nothing about PIRANHA 3DD is fun- the cameos aren’t fun nor are they funny. If you’re a lonely grade school or hopelessly horny high school nerd then I guess the endless amount of boobs could be useful- then again you should be made aware you can find lots of free porn on the internet too and you won’t have to endure an hour and a half of garbage like this to get what you need.

I watched this for the sole fact that I had a lot of fun with Aja’s effort a couple years back and in spite of my suspicion about the involvement of the FEAST director stepping in I gave it a whirl. Had I not just watched RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION before this I may have really considered throwing my TV out of the window and pissing on it afterwards. That’s right, I’m telling you that PIRANHA 3DD was actually better than RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION, but not by much.

The special effects are terrible, I don’t even think there is a script to speak of, acting is atrocious and the gore is boring. The single most provocative joke/gag in the film involves a piranha swimming into a vagina and later biting the genitals of the poor SOB having sex with said vagina. The gag doesn’t even end there because naturally the reaction isn’t to try and pry the fish off to save what you can of your manhood, but to violently slash downward and cutting the whole thing in half. That’s the caliber of logic on display in this thing- not to mention a severed head is seen motorboating a blood soaked bare chest later on in the film.

It occurs to me that I forgot the whole movie is set around a water park run by David Koechner, which features a ridiculously unsanitary “adult pool.” By the time David Hasselhoff shows up the film beat me over the head so many times with unfunny crap that I still wasn’t amused by the Baywatch star’s cameo. Really disappointing since I felt the set up with the news coverage of the fate of Lake Victoria featured in the first film was done pretty well- it’s all downhill from there.

I’m more than a little disheartened to sit here and have to tell you that PIRANHA 3DD is nothing but a toothless spoof of the first film. There is nothing creative or entertaining about anything going on in the sequel that is anywhere close to being able to earn a recommendation. Gone is the well staged gore and violence of the first film, gone is the fun partying and gone is the just plain fun the Aja’s film set up and is instead replaced with ridiculous over-the-top slapstick jokes and gags. Everything in PIRANHA 3DD makes me sad that a sequel was ever greenlit.

Rating: 1/10

Written By: Luke (@CrummyLuke on Twitter)


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