It’s that time of year where we get together without family and other assorted loved ones to exchange gifts, stuff ourselves full of food and just relax over the holidays. Regardless of how each of us spends the Christmas holiday it’s also a time to sit around and reminisce about the events of the past year as we wind it down. It doesn’t matter if it personal triumphs or failures, the year is always full of ups and downs not just in our own lives, but in the lives of celebrities and the fictional lives of our favorite and hated movie characters.
I’m no Santa Claus, but I decided to take a look back at events over the year, both in celebrity news and in the world of cinema to pick out some individuals that would be deserving of that dreaded lump of coal under their colorful Christmas tree. Also unlike Santa Claus I am not able to have that watchful eye over every piece of gossip, news and time to watch every good and bad movie released throughout the year, so I covered the ground that I could, and came up with quite the group of misfits for this Christmas season.
The Bad Elf Award – This award is presented to a person in desperate need of some good press. For one reason or another he/she has said or done some very naughty things over the year and possible the years leading up to the year. In any event, they just don’t share the Yule tide cheer the rest of us do.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To: Mel Gibson – Sorry Mel, but as funny as your phone outburts were to listen to (some snippets actually serving as my text message ringtone), they were painful and offensive at the same time. I enjoy your work as an actor and will probably see THE BEAVER when it comes out, but my only advice for now is to lay off the booze and seek some anger management; I don’t think a sock puppet is a permanent solution.
The Director Meltdown Award: This award is reserved for a director that has graced us with a film at some point in time that is still or was beloved by the public. However, this year that spark avoided their grasp in every way shape and form.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To: Wes Craven – Wes, Wes, Wes…I have all the hope in the world that when SCREAM 4 is released next year, it’s a return to form. I have to tell you though, after MY SOUL TO TAKE 3D, my faith in getting a worthwhile sequel to one of my favorite slasher movies is pretty dismal. The look of MY SOUL TO TAKE was done decent enough, but the script, the acting, the story and the 3D had about as much entertainment value as flushing a toilet; and I mean by actually pushing a plunger not waving your hand in front of the toilets with the motion sensor.
The Corrupted Youth Award – This award goes out to the person whose youthful innocence has since been tainted and joins the ranks of the rest of us degenerates.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To – Miley Cyrus: This singer/actress/Disney sensation has been saddled with being a role model to ever pre-teen girl that owns a Hannah Montana lunch box, comforter or Halloween costume. She falls into the world of movies because she was in a film by the name of THE LAST SONG. She gets this award because now freshly 18 she’s already got a drug scandal on her hands with the video of her huffing and puffing some drugs and acting incredibly obnoxious while under the influence. Contgrats Miley!
The Creepy Dude Award – This award goes out for the movie character that has just completely lost sense of morality and displays a heavy likelihood of continued deviant behavior with no hope of recovery.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To – Dr. Heiter (HUMAN CENTIPEDE): As much as this lump of coal deserves to go to nearly every character involved in A SERBIAN FILM, not everyone has had the opportunity or awareness to check that film out. However, buzz has been stirring for HUMAN CENTIPEDE: FIRST SEQUENCE for a while now and it’s available at your local video store as well as Netflix Watch Instantly. There is no real world practical use or need to have three people sewn together ass to mouth, I’ll come out and make that bold statement now. Therefore I see no redeeming characteristics to a mad doctor that feels this is the ONLY answer for mankind’s survival as a species or the next step in evolution. The way I see it, this is nothing more than a sick sexual fantasy that I really hope people are not connecting with this doctor’s thought process or are turned on by this kind of experimentation. I will commend the mad doctor though for finding a way to silence the voices of the dreadful female leads. Hold the lump of coal high and proud, you beat out the 2010 incarnation of Freddy Krueger for the honor.
Best Villain Award – This award goes to the film character that displayed a sense of evil and dread in effective ways. In a way the award should be a badge of honor, but as we know, naughty people get coal not presents.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To – Abby (LET ME IN): There isn’t much to say, Chloe Moretz did a great job as Hit Girl in KICK ASS, but in LET ME IN she displays to great effect the manipulative bloody thirsty vampire that may or may not have feelings for poor Owen, but ultimately needs someone to give her blood to live. Separated from the original, LET ME IN is chillingly effective on its own and was missed by far too many people. This is one example where the lump of coal is more a blessing than a meaningless black piece of flammable matter.
Direct To DVD Fail Award – This award goes to the worst of the worst in film. Not only was the film not good enough for even a tiny theatrical release, but should not even be taking up space on DVD shelves let alone put onto plastic.
The Lump Of Coal Goes To: The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall And Felt Superbad About It: I’m kind of at a loss of words; I’m both ashamed and dumbfounded that I can even tell people I’ve actually sat through this movie. Even the worst spoof movies get a courtesy laugh and this one is no different, but it’s more because I feel sorry for everyone that had anything to do with it…epic fail.