I don’t take joy in hating a movie, but with as many movies that get released every year there is bound to be a crop of them that just rub me the wrong way. Sure seeing a bad movie spawns jokes amongst friends, and even some bad movies can be enjoyably bad. The “worst of” list is reserved for those that enjoyable moments are few and far between and fail to be a justifiable time waster. These are the films that after you see them you want that hour and a half to two hours back or the price you paid to sit and have a visual sleep aid forced upon you. It is not with joy but with disappointment that I present to everyone the list I’ve compiled of horror releases that no one should subject themselves to now and especially over Halloween. Instead, gather some friends and break out some of the classic horror films to wind down the holiday.
5. Human Centipede: First Sequence – I give this film credit for showing me something I haven’t seen in a horror film, but beyond that this is an extremely forgettable affair. The performance by the crazy doctor was actually pretty fun to watch, but the American girls and the incoherent ramblings of the Asian dude made me want to tear my ears off. The film didn’t really push the boundaries as much as it could have and I’m hearing the sequel will push those boundaries but as far as this first sequence goes it’s little more than a tasteless version of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON except with three people sewn together ass-to-mouth.
4. Burning Bright – A tiger let loose upon a young girl and her autistic brother in a house boarded up due to an impending hurricane. The premise pretty much sums up my feelings on the film, silly. Sure, I do love movies where I can marvel at a characters decision making abilities in times of stress, but even I have to call shenanigans on several decisions the girl in the film makes. That aside, I just couldn’t bring myself to feel any kind of tension the film so desperately needed in order to find any enjoyment in the proceedings.
3. Open House – Why Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are in this movie is beyond me. Well, technically I can guarantee it’s only to cash in on the names because of the inevitable blind rentals and purchases that would come when TRUE BLOOD fans see those two names and sling their credit card or cash to the nearest cashier in sight. This film was a complete bore from beginning to end, stale kills and subpar performances. If I wanted to watch a terrible movie that features a crazy dude relentlessly stabbing boring victims I’d just watch Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 again.
2. Resident Evil: Afterlife – Admittedly, I had fun with certain parts of this movie but nowhere near enough fun for me to walk out happy that I’d spend my time watching it. The 3D looked good they just didn’t quite take full advantage of it. Divorced from the 3D and a couple of brainless action scenes the acting and visuals were all blatantly ripped straight out of THE MATRIX movies, especially with the dude playing Wesker busting out his best (or worst) Agent Smith impression.
1. My Soul To Take – It is going to take a real piece of crap to take the top spot over this abomination. This film has some of the most unimaginative and dull kills ever put to screen, and the dialogue is laughably bad. I have no clue what Wes Craven was thinking when this film was taking shape and worse why the studio would watch what he was doing and think this was ok. To add insult to injury the studio then makes a conscious decision to bully more money out of ticket buyers by converting this disaster into 3D, making even more unwatchable than it already was; any two ways you spin it, this was an epic fail on all fronts.